All This Nonsense Started When They Stopped Letting Cigarettes Advertise On TV

July 19, 2010

GARY 2 sits at the bar drinking a gin and tonic. His unfortunate clothes indicate that he is not a busy or vital man. He is talking to the bartender:

GARY 2: Now hold on. I don’t think destroying them is the answer. But maybe we could round ‘em up and put them somewhere.

Bartender: Like Indiana.

GARY 2: Now you’re talking.

Bartender: There has to be a farm in Indiana that could accommodate a hundred or so robots.

GARY 2: Oh, definitely. None of those farms are growing food anyhow. You know that they get paid NOT to grow food. And those hangbots would love it out there. They could hang out all they want and have all the sex they want.

Bartender: Oh, I meant to tell you: on my way to work today I passed by a hangbot and ladybot sixty-nining, right on the sidewalk. They were going at it hard, too.

GARY 2: Jesus. How’d you know they were robots?

BARTENDER: Sometimes you can just tell, man. And who else would be doing that on the street at 1 in the afternoon?

GARY 2: Good point.

BARTENDER: I took a few photos. Wanna see?

GARY 2: Of course.

[Bartender takes out phone and show Gary 2 the photos of the hangbot and ladybot sixty-nining.]

GARY 2: She is smokin.

[Gary 1 walks in the bar and takes a seat next to Gary 2.]

Gary 1: What’s that?

GARY 2: Photos of a hangbot sixty-nining a ladybot. Check it out. [and he passes him the phone]

GARY 1: Nice.

Bartender: I think it’s disgusting, actually. What if I were a six-year-old boy and I had to see that? What if the first time I saw people doing it they weren’t real people but robots? Now something isn’t right about that.

GARY 1: Wait a minute. Aw, man.

GARY 2: What?

GARY 1: That’s Josephine. My ladybot.

GARY 2: Are you sure? Her face is kinda blocked by that hangbot’s balls.

GARY 1: I’m sure.

Bartender: You’re going out with a ladybot?

GARY 1: We’re not going out. But I thought maybe she would want to.

GARY 2: Sorry man. Hey. Forget about her. She’s an effing ladybot. You don’t want that.

GARY 1: You’re probably right. But goddamnit. Right on the street, Josephine?

GARY 2: We were just talking about how someone should round up all the robots and put them on a farm in Indiana. That way we wouldn’t have to put up with their shit.

GARY 1: That’s not a bad idea.

GARY 2: Think about it: these effing scientists at Wright State make all these robots for no good reason and let them loose. They look like humans and they talk like humans and all they want to do is hang out and have sex. They don’t contribute anything to society. Why do we put up with it? Because the INSTITUTIONS are in control.

GARY 1: They are good at fucking, though. If someone does start rounding them ‘em up, you should try to get with a ladybot before that.

GARY 2: Maybe I will. But really, these institutions: the government, the educational system, the church, the Better Business Bureau. They do more harm then good, and they make people into spineless little robots. Even though we’re not the real robots. The robots are the real robots but we behave like robots too, you know?

[Bartender hands them fresh drinks.]

Bartender: Settle down, man. These are on the house. My apologies for the photos.

GARY 1: Don’t worry about it. You didn’t know.

GARY 2: So I don’t know why the cops aren’t harder on them. It’s like those hangouts have a free pass to be fuckabouts.

GARY 1: I bet this shit goes deeper, man. Like, the city council and Wright State are in on something together.

GARY 1: Like the government is using Dayton for an experiment. We could be a guinea pig city.

GARY 2: Yeah. Like they’re trying to replace workers with robots, but first they wanted to see how they’d do in society. Or maybe they want all the hangbots and ladybots to have sex with us and then see what the hybrids look like and then do tests on them.

GARY 1: It’s probably a little of both ideas. Soon regular dudes will be second-class citizens. Only robots and politciains and businessmen will be in power and we’ll all have to bow down to them.

GARY 2: WE ALREADY DO, MAN. The American man isn’t at home in his own country anymore.

GARY 1: Back in the ‘70s if you had arms and legs and high school degree you could get a good job in Dayton. Now look at the way things are. You can’t even walk to work without seeing two robots sucking each other off in the street.

GARY 2: All this nonsense started when they stopped letting cigarettes advertise on TV.

NEXT: Do We Need Cynar? 6

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You Let That Cat In The Clubhouse, Didn’t You?

July 2, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: But if I don’t wear socks then my feet get all brown and gross. And if I walk through a puddle or wet grass it gets even worse.

GARY 2: So wear socks.

GARY 1: But that looks dumb.

GARY 2: How about you stick to tennis shoes then?

GARY 1: I might have to. But I just bought these boat shoes and I want to wear them.

GARY 2: Wear them without socks but make sure to clean your feet before anyone sees them.

GARY 1: That’s not a bad plan.

GARY 2: Speaking of, how did putt-putt go?

GARY 1: Woah, woah, how is that “speaking of?” We weren’t talking about girls or putt-putt. We were talking about feet.

GARY 2: It was a speaking of because you’re going to wash your feet before anyone sees them and the person who would most likely be seeing them is a lady. Like the lady you played putt-putt with.

GARY 1: That is hardly a speaking of.

GARY 2: Fine. Let’s change the subject, then. How did putt-putt go? How was the cat? [laughs]

GARY 1: It was OK. Don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Did you guys?

GARY 1: Maybe. Maybe not.

GARY 2: How did you do at putt-putt?

GARY 1: What does it matter? How does anyone ever do at putt-putt?

GARY 2: Did you beat her at least?

GARY 1: Oh yeah. I won.

GARY 2: Nice. You don’t want her to win at stuff this early on in the relationship. Did you get behind her and teach her how to putt?

GARY 1: There was a little of that, but it would upset the cat.

GARY 2: How so?

GARY 1: Well, every time she putted, I had to hold the cat. And when I would get behind her and teach her how to putt, the cat would have to sit on the green, which it didn’t like.

GARY 2: Is it on a leash?

GARY 1: She uses a few bungee cords all tied together.

GARY 2: Weird. So after putt-putt, what’d you do?

GARY 1: I said don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Wait. Did something happen? Something bad happened.

GARY 1: Look, man. It’s all good. We played some putt-putt and got to know each other.

GARY 2: No, no, no. It’s not all good. Something went down and YOU don’t want to talk about it.

GARY 1: I’ll tell you later.

GARY 2: Oh shit. You let that cat get in the clubhouse, didn’t you?

GARY 1: Not really.

GARY 2: You let that fucking cat in the clubhouse, didn’t you? You let the cat in the clubhouse and it started running around scratching people and the guy who works there had to kill it with a golf club, and then your date got all pissed. And she’s crying all like, Gary, why? Why’d you let my darling cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: That is not what happened.

GARY 2: But it was something like that. Just tell me.

GARY 1: I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone.

GARY 2: Dude. You go on one putt-putt date and you’re already making promises to this girl? You are a damn fool.

GARY 1: She said she doesn’t want anyone to know and I’m going to see her again so I figured it would stay between us. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you.

GARY 2: Whatever. Just tell me this: did you let that cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: Maybe.

GARY 2: Gary. Did you let that cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: The cat got in the clubhouse.

GARY 2: Fuckin A, I knew it.

GARY 1: But it wasn’t my fault.

BARTENDER: Around round, gents?

GARY 1: I would, but I gotta run.

GARY 2: Where are you off to?

GARY 1: To meet Josephine. The ladybot.

GARY 2: Nice. What are you guys doing?

GARY 1: Don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Dude. Just tell me, who cares?

GARY 1: We’re going to Ethan Allen. Josephine needs a new coffee table.

GARY 2: Since when do fucking ladybots use coffee tables?

GARY 1: Dude. Ladybots are people, too. Kinda.

GARY 2: Incorrect. They’re bots. Not people.

GARY 1: You sound like my dad.

GARY 2: Hey man, you do what you want, but remember: ladybots are part of the journey, not the destination.

[Gary 1 leaves]

NEXT: The Fox in the Garage Part 7: This Isn’t Ponderosa, People

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Don’t Let That Cat In The Clubhouse

May 26, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men. They are roiled up about something.

GARY 1: Marvin Lewis is a piece. Of. Shit.

GARY 2: Big time.

GARY 1: This is what he’s thinking. This is what he’s thinking when he wakes up in the morning: What can I do to piss off the entire tri-state area?

GARY 2: And that’s what he does.

GARY 1: And that’s exactly what he does. Every time he has a chance.

Bartender: Another round, gents?

GARY 1: A quick one, I’ve got to meet that girl.

GARY 2: The ladybot? Josephine?

GARY 1: Oh, I didn’t tell you. No, the girl from Burger King called, Linda, the one I gave the roses.

GARY 2: Nice. It worked.

GARY 1: She said she wants to play putt-putt. So we’re playing putt-putt tonight.

GARY 2: Nice. Think you’re gonna?

GARY 1: We’ll see. It could be weird because she said her cat has to come. She told me to call the putt-putt place and ask if that’s cool, so I called this morning and I ask the guy if they allow cats. The dude cracks up, and he’s like, Yeah, she can bring the cat. But it can’t come in the clubhouse.

GARY 2: [laughing] It can’t come in the clubhouse.

GARY 1: So I call her back and say she can bring the cat. She got real excited about it. She tells me she’s not good at golf but lately she’s been trying to try new things. She wants me to teach her how to putt.

GARY 2: Does she know you suck at putt-putt too?

GARY 1: I said I was OK at putt-putt. See, I want to do one of those things where you get behind a girl and teach her how to do something, like how to shoot pool or whatever, so it’s like, Hey honey, I’m all up on you but it’s not creepy because you’re learning something.

[The g and t's arrive.]

GARY 2: That’s the way to do it. She says she’s trying to try new things, eh? That sounds promising, if you know what I mean.

GARY 1: New things are good things.

GARY 2: I’d like to get a new thing going with a ladybot but every one I meet won’t give me the time of day.

GARY 1: Sucks, man.

GARY 2: Yeah. Like last week for example, I’m pulling out of a parking spot at Kroger’s and I run into a ladybot. And I’m like, Well, fuck. I wasn’t going that fast or anything so she’s not all fucked up, thank God. But she’s on the ground. I get out of the car and I’m apologizing like crazy and I ask if she needs water or a ride somewhere and she says no, don’t sweat it. She wasn’t pissed or anything, which was cool. So I figure, Hey, I got this ladybot here talking to me and she seems super-cool, I might as well ask her if she’d like to come back to my house for a beer.

GARY 1: Nice. What she’d say?

GARY 2: She says maybe. So I ask her what I can do to convince you? and she goes, Here’s my problem: If I go back to your place for a beer, I’m gonna want to have sex with you.

GARY 1: Very nice.

GARY 2: So I say, That’s fine with me, honey, get in the car. But she says, Are you an idiot? And I say sometimes. And she says, Well, I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s an idiot because if I get pregnant, our kid will be an idiot. Then she she wants me to prove to her that I’m not an idiot.

GARY 1: Wait, wait. Ladybots cannot get pregnant. Did you tell her that?

GARY 2: I did. I say ladybots can’t get pregnant, and this is the best part: she says that she’s not a typical ladybot. She’s a hybridbot: 25% human, 75% bot. The 25% parts are the parts she needs to get pregnant, all the tubes and pouches that girls have. She says humans get hybdridbots pregnant all the time but the babybots are usually killed. We never hear about it because the Air Force Base and Wright State are covering it up.

GARY 1: Bullshit.

GARY 2: Oh, I know. But I wanna get laid so I say, What can I do to prove to you that I’m not an idiot? She says, Name all the US presidents and their vice presidents in order, and I say that’s more or less impossible, and she says, No it’s not, and she names the first twenty or so real quick. She had  all those saved on her harddrive, it wasn’t fair. And I told her that.

GARY 1: Then what’d she say?

GARY 2: She said she wasn’t going to argue with someone who drinks before he goes grocery shopping.

GARY 1: What a bitch.

GARY 2: At this point I’m thinking, this isn’t happening, so I get in the car. But then she walks around to the window and asks me to roll it down and she gives me her number and says she wants me to call her sometime and we can get together. But only if I memorize the presidents first.

GARY 1: Wow. You should hit the books, man.

GARY 2: I’m gonna. I’m gonna get online about it.

GARY 1: Do it. [finishes drink and stands up to leave] So hey, I have to go to putt-putt.

GARY 2: Good luck with Burger King.

GARY 1: Thanks.

GARY 2: Oh, Gary. Hey Gary.

GARY 1: What?

GARY 2: [laughing] Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse.

GARY 1: I’ll try not to. [walks toward door]

GARY 2: Hey. Gary.

GARY 1: What?

GARY 2: Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse, Gary. Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse.

NEXT: The Fox in the Garage Part 5: The Date

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Gary 1 Got With a Ladybot

April 24, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: So get this: I’m taking the trash out yesterday and a robot, a ladybot, asks me if I need help.

GARY 2: Oh yeah?

GARY 1: Yeah. And I had a lot of trash so I said sure. And I shit you not, we hit it off.

GARY 2: How did you hit it off with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Well, as she picks up a bag she shoots me this look, a sexy look, and she starts playing with her hair. And she asks me my name and she says she loves the name Gary.

GARY 2: Nice.

GARY 1: I know. And she’s a looker, too. So we’re carrying the trash out to the street and we’re chatting about God knows what, the draft I think, and she says, “It’s so hot out today. Could I come inside and have a drink?”

GARY 2: Very nice.

GARY 1: So we go inside and sit on the couch with some beers and she starts telling me how handsome and strong I am.

GARY 2: That’s funny.

GARY 1: Yeah, right? And then she asks me how much I can bench. I said 150 on a good day and she bought it. Next thing I know, we’re doing it and the OTB channel was on TV and she’s calling me horsey  and shit.

GARY 2: So you did it with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Yes.

GARY 2: Can’t you get arrested for that?

GARY 1: Probably. You can’t tell anyone. But listen, it gets better. Since she’s a robot she never tuckers out, you know. After a half hour I was pooped and went to have a cigarette on the porch, and I come back to find her in the kitchen, lying on the island getting off with my hand mixer.

GARY 2: Wow. What’d you say?

GARY 1: What can you say? I couldn’t tell her stop, even though it was a bit rude: she’s a stranger, after all, on my island, using my hand mixer.

GARY 2: The robots don’t have any social grace. So you stood there and watched her?

GARY 1: For a minute. Then I sat on the couch and watched Elf.

GARY 2: Amazing. So I have to ask: what’s it like? In there?

GARY 1: I knew that was coming. Dude, I would tell you if it was a one-time thing. But I’m gonna see this through. We talked a lot and she’s great.

GARY 2: Wait. You’re going to date the ladybot?

GARY 1: I think so.

GARY 2: Dude.

GARY 1: Do you have a problem with it?

GARY 2: No. If it feels right, do it, but don’t come crying to me when runs off with a hangbot who can show her a better time than you can. Those hangbots get all the girls.

GARY 1: Didn’t Angie hang out with a hangbot while you guys were on a break?

GARY 2: I was suspicious but she denies it. Robots, man. I say trash ‘em all.

GARY 1: I think you’re missing the big picture here. She doesn’t have friends I have to hang with. Robots don’t like stuff so she’s not gonna ask me to buy her stuff. She doesn’t have a family I’ll have to tuck in my shirt for. And she won’t cry about me being drunk all the time.

GARY 2: Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should find my own ladybot while Angie’s out of town.

GARY 1: Do it. Just stay away from Josephine.

GARY 2: Isn’t that your mom’s name?

GARY 1: It is. It’s a sign.

Next: The Third Laundromat Hang

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It’ll Be Good When I’m in Darryl’s Dad’s Pool

March 10, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

Gary 1: So this dude Luke wants to sell me some Oxy. And Demerol. You in?

Gary 2: Woah, woah, who’s Luke? Where’d you meet him?

Gary 1: He works at Perkins, and I get breakfast at Perkins a lot.

Gary 2: You do?

Gary 1: Yes. You know that.

Gary 2: Call me the next time you’re getting breakfast at Perkins. Oxy makes me sick, so no Oxy for me, but I’ll take some Demerol. It’ll be good when I’m in Darryl’s dad’s pool this summer.

Gary 1: How much?

Gary 2: I can do fifty. So, this guy Luke, huh. What do you guys talk about?

Gary 1: Whatever. What’s good at Perkin’s and Bengals shit and what not.

Gary 2: That’s cool.

Gary 1: And girls.

Gary 2: Cool.

Gary 1: What’s Angie been up to?

Gary 2: She might be at the mall. She loves those Cinnabons. Oh wait, she’s in Pittsburgh, I forgot.

Gary 1: Come out to Fox and Hound tonight then. It’s Karaoke night.

Gary 2: We’re already at the Fox and Hound.

Gary 1: I know, but you can go home and change. Or just stay here all day.

Gary 2: What are you doing?

Gary 1: I’m gonna go home and change and come back around 10.

Gary 2: I think I might stay here all day.

Next: She Will Cost More Than I Thought She Would

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Nothing But Pickles

March 5, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: I met a lady Saturday night.

GARY 2: Nice. What’s she like?

GARY 1: Kinda pretty. Employed. And she thinks I’m funny.

GARY 2: Nice. Where’d you meet her?

GARY 1: Burger King, the one in the mall.

GARY 2: Call me the next time you’re out chasing skirt. You get any?

GARY 1: No, we just talked.

GARY 2: What did you talk about?

GARY 2: Food, mostly. I was like, I’ll have a Whopper with nothing on it but pickles. And she said, Nothing but pickles? That’s a funny order. And then I said, That’s the way I like it and you’re supposed to let me have it my way. And she said, You’re funny.

GARY 2: Nice.

GARY 1: So she gives me the Whopper, right, and she says, Here you go, honey, one Whopper with nothing but pickles. And I ask her what time she gets off. She asks her manager and he says nine-thirty. But then he whispers something in her ear and she says she’s busy after work and she walks in the back where they make the food.

GARY 2: Cock block.

GARY 1: Big time. Sunday morning I went back to Burger King with a dozen roses and a note, but she wasn’t working.  So I left them with the manager.

GARY 2: What did the note say?

GARY 1: That’s between me and Linda. Her name is Linda.

GARY 2: Oh, come on. I told you what I said to that dermatologist chick.

GARY 1: Fine. It said: How are you? I hope you remember me. I’m Nothing But Pickles. I figured she would remember my order because she said it was funny. Then I wrote, I came here for another Whopper and on my way here I thought about you. These roses are for you. I want to talk to you more. By the way my real name is Gary and if you wanna call me here’s my number. And I wrote my number.

GARY 2: Nice. Has she called yet?

GARY 1: No. But it’s only been five days.

GARY 2: These things take time. She’s gotta show the note to all her friends and buy a new outfit and shit.

GARY 1: True. So how are things with you and Angie?

GARY 2: Angie moved to Pittsburgh to be with her mom who’s super-sick.

GARY 1: Oh. How long is she staying there?

GARY 2: I don’t know. I wanted to go with her but she wouldn’t let me because, and I quote,  You’ll be another thing to deal with. And something about how her mom has all this fancy breakable stuff in the living room.

Next: The Fox in the Garage Part 2: The Plan

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Don’t Worry About It

January 22, 2010

Morning sun fills the Fox and Hound. Gary 1 and Gary 2 sit on bar stools. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

BARTENDER: Alright, boys. I’m on the clock. What will it be?

GARY 1: Gin and tonic. No fruit.

GARY 2: Same here.

BARTENDER: Is well gin OK? Or are you celebrating?

GARY 1: Well’s fine.

The bartender scoops ice into two glasses and pours a generous serving of gin into each glass and tops them off with tonic. He slices a lime into wedges and slips the wedges on the rims of the glasses, and as he hands the men their drinks he realizes his mistake.

BARTENDER: You said no lime. Typical. I mess up the first drinks of the day. Here, I’ll take them off for you.

GARY 1: Don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Yeah, don’t worry about it.

BARTENDER: You sure?

GARY 1: Yes.

GARY 2: Yes.

Next: She Will Be Nasty When I’m Done With Her

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ryanthomasgrim [AT] gmail
Published Work

Page 1: The Fox in the Garage

How I Started a Family

Do We Need Cynar?

Gary 1 and Gary 2

I Work at a Fashionable Hotel Called the Hudson

C.O.D.Y. the Robot Who Hangs Out

Ann and Her Birdhouses

Luke and His Bobber

The Fox in the Garage in 3-D

105 Stories About Ohio

Bits

The Slugman of Herbert Street

Harold and the Purple Women

Video

Dos Factotum

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