GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. They are drunker than usual. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men. Gary 1 is reading from a football team’s roster.

Gary 1: This year alone there’s Jordan Kovacs, Fitzgerald Toussaint and Jake Ryan. Ryan’s a linebacker, too. That’s three. Jibreel Black. Pace and Omameh on the offensive line. Jerald Robinson and D.J. Williamson. Wide receivers. Brandon Moore. Kevin Koger. Curt Graman. Roy Roundtree. He’s from right here in Trotwood. So is Michael Shaw. Who am I not seeing here? Terrence Talbott. And Bell, another linebacker.  And that’s just this year. The point is, all these kids grew up in Ohio. They played high school football in Ohio. They were nurtured by Ohio’s fucking phenomenal football programs and when it came time to pick a college, what did they do? Where did they go? Of all the schools in the world, where did they go?

Gary 2: Michigan.

Gary 1: They go to Michigan. Ohio high school football is so good they’ve written books and made movies about it. Next to Texas, I don’t know who else is up there with Ohio. All these kids get world class, and I mean world class, football instruction. They could not have been luckier. To be born here and want to play football, you couldn’t ask for a better home state if you want to play for the NFL. But when Michigan comes knocking they forget about a hundred years of history and rivalry and say, Eh, fuck it. I’m gonna go to Ann Arbor and check out that scene. Why bother giving a shit when I can go to Michigan?

Gary 2: It is a problem. It’s a serious problem.

Gary 1: And it’s getting worse. Because some of these parents, they don’t care; they think Michigan is a better school because those magazine say it’s a better school. Prescott Burgess. He’s from Ohio. And Shawn Crable. He’s another traitor.

Gary 2: They should start a program in Ohio schools that teaches, no, that brainwashes kids into going to OSU. The coach would take them aside after practice, the best players, the ones who are going to play in the NFL maybe. The coach takes take them aside and shows them a video about Ann Arbor and how all the girls there are nasty and have herpes or whatever and also that the dudes on the team will haze the shit out of you in the locker room if you’re from Ohio. Stuff like that.

Gary 1: I’m with ya. There’d be pictures of rancid food from the cafeteria. And then it’d show a fat Michigan girl eating it and pointing at the camera and licking her fingers all nasty-like. I’m not sure if the state would sponsor this. But we could make it. It would be easy.

Gary 2: And we could sell it to the schools. Not all the schools. Only the best ones. The best seven to ten.

Gary 1: There’s Solon and St. Ignatius up north. Massillon and Dublin Coffman. We could hit all those in a weekend. Maybe even stop at Cedar Point too, we’ll see if there’s time for that. We could make a weekend out of it. Go on a little bender up north, spreading the good word to the would-be traitors.

Gary 2: And then down here you got Xavier, Moeller, Anderson. We could do those in an afternoon. We should make the video first and then plan the distribution route. Who do you know who makes videos? And I mean good videos, not home videos. This isn’t an American Funniest Home Videos video. This is a documentary. A useful documentary.

Gary 1: My buddy Devin used to make videos for the public access channel so maybe he’d be game. I’ll give him a call sometime.

Gary 2: Sometime? Call him right now. Get this shit rolling.

Gary 1: You want me to call Devin Jeffers right now and ask him if he wants to make a video?

Gary 2: It’s a short documentary film. It’s not a video, man. Yeah. I do it. I’ll call him. [he takes Gary 1's phone and find Devin’s number and calls him.] Hey. Is this Devin? Hey, man. You don’t really know me. I’m Gary Pollan. I’m a friend of Gary Welles’. Anyway, I’m calling about making movies. I got two questions: Do you still make them? And if so, would you be willing to help us out with one? No, we don’t have money to pay you, but it will be a fun couple of days and we will buy all the food and the beer. We’ll be shooting in Michigan and maybe in Dayton too. We haven’t planned all the logistics yet but it’s gonna change the lives of a lot of kids. You probably want to know what it is. OK. So you know how every year a few kids who play high school football in Ohio go to Michigan? And how it’s sacrilegious. I know, it’s bullshit. Well. Me and Gary are gonna make an instructional video that warns these kids about going there. It might be a little exaggerated but we’re gonna scare them into going at OSU. We’re gonna need shots of gross Michigan girls in Michigan sweatpants with the UM logo on the ass. So they associate the UM logo with nastiness. I’m talking about those baggy sweatpants college girls wear to class and when it rains the sweatpants drag in the water and they get all wet and it looks like shit. We need a few of shots like that, with the wet sweatpants clinging to Ugg boots. And these girls should be real big too. Like I said, we can’t pay you money but we’ll buy all the beer and food. I don’t know when it will be; let me ask Gary. Hey, when can you do this?

Gary 1: Early August maybe. Shit, I can do it whenever, man. What else am I doing?

Gary 2: We can do it whenever. We don’t have a whole going on. Oh, I see. And how often do you have to go to your work? Monday through Friday. Every week? I see. So it’s like a job job, like an adult job. Do you get direct deposit for that or do they give you paper checks? The money just goes right into your checking account, no questions asked, huh? That’s good stuff, Devin. I’m happy for you. So what would work for you, then? A weekend, I’m guessing. Alright. Let us know and we’ll look forward to hearing you. I won’t be as drunk next time we talk and we can really get down do business and start planning these shots. And hey buddy, you’re in charge of finding the big girls. That’s your job. I’m putting that one on you. I’ll buy the beer; you find the big girls. See ya. [hangs up]

Gary 1: What’d he say?

Gary 2: He said maybe.

Gary 1: We’re gonna have to take that as a yes. When you start a project like this you have to be in Yes mode. No downers, no bummers. I saw this thing on PBS once about painters and how artists have to persevere and they have to be optimistic deep down, maybe not about the world but about their own life, so if we’re gonna make this movie we have to be optimistic about everything. If Devin backs out then we’ll find someone else to hold the camera. I’ll learn how to if it comes to that.

Gary 2: Brandon Harrison. Another asshole. He was from Dayton. Mike Massey. Tight end, I think.

Bartender: Another round, gents?

Gary 2: Yes please. And no fruit this time.

Gary 1: Same.

Bartender: Not to butt in, but I couldn’t help but notice you were talking about high school football players who leave Ohio to play for Ann Arbor, and I gotta tell you, nothing pissed off my old man more than hearing about another kid from Ohio suit up for Michigan. He would yell at my mother about it. He would blame it on her. And she’d say, I’m not in charge of these kids’ lives. And neither are you so shut up about it. Now how about put all that anger into cleaning the gutters real good.

Gary 1: It is a serious problem in this country.

Bartender: That’s the truth. Same goes for kids who don’t play football. Just regular folks who want to get good jobs. Ohio has great public schools; kids here get great educations. And lot of them go to Ohio colleges, which are also great. OSU: great school. Miami: great school. OU: good enough. And when they’re 22, 23, 24, what do they do? They leave. See ya, everyone, I’m off to Chicago. I’m off to New York City. I’m off to fucking Memphis. We have three large cities but all these kids think they’re hot shit and that they’re entitled to have some life where they live wherever they want, anywhere but Ohio. Ohio can’t keep its young people, and I’m talking about the young engineers, the kids in med school, fucking graphic designers, what have you. All those kids go to OSU to get a world class engineering education and then they have to move away to find work and what does that do to the tax base? What is do to the education system? What will it mean for the next generation? Think about that. Alright, that’s enough bullshit out of me.

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men. There is a tire iron on the bar next to Gary 1’s drink.

Gary 1: It was the best weapon I could find in my dad’s garage.

Gary 2: It’s super-rusty.

Gary 1: I’ll wear gloves then. No big whoop.

Gary 2: So what’s your plan? You’re gonna go around town beating up hangbots?

Gary 1: No, man. I’m not going on a rampage. It’s just in case I see a hangbot doing something… something bad. The cops just look the other way. Somebody’s got to keep shit real.

Gary 2: What do hangbots do that’s bad?

Gary 1: Noise pollute, for one. A lot of them play music loudly while they’re hanging out. And they hang out with girls and corrupt them and then don’t call them back.

Gary 2: You hang out with girls and corrupt them and don’t call them back.

Gary 1: Not anymore. I’ve got a lady now. I’m done hanging out.

Gary 2: Who? Burger King?

Gary 1: Her name is Linda, and we’re giving it a shot I think.

Gary 2: How many times have you hung out with her?

Gary 1: Three.

Gary 2: Woah. You’re settling down with a girl you’ve hung out with three times?

Gary 1: Why keep hanging out with other girls when you know you want to hang out with one?

Gary 2: I guess that makes sense. So what you’re saying is, you’re done hunting trim and now you’re gonna hunt hangbots?

Gary 1: I’m not hunting hangbots. I’m keeping shit real. I’m gonna be Dayton’s unofficial hangbot sheriff. You want in? You want to be my deputy?

Gary 2: What would I have to do?

Gary 1: First you’d have to get a tire iron, or another weapon. No guns. And nothing weird, like a Samurai sword.

Gary 2: How about a putter?

Gary 1: A driver would be better.

Gary 2: I’ll see what I can do.

Gary 1: And then you gotta come with me when I go on patrol.

Gary 2: Where are you gonna patrol?

Gary 1: Downtown. Carillon Park. The Oregon District. Wherever hangbots are hassling people.

Gary 2: You think you could take a hangbot?

Gary 1: I’m sure I can.

Gary 2: What if the scientists made them really strong? That ladybot I got with wasn’t a dainty lady. She was cut.

Gary 1: Every hangbot I’ve met has been a pussy. And hangbots don’t carry weapons so I’ll be fine.

Gary 2: What if you get jumped by a pack of hangbots?

Gary 1: That’s why I’ll need my deputy. For back up.

Gary 2: I’ll consider it. How often are you gonna go out on patrol?

Gary 1: Whenever I’m not hanging out with Linda or drinking here.

Gary 2: Alright. I’m considering it.

Gary 1: I asked Linda if she wanted to help too and she said she’d make badges. She’s very talented.

Gary 2: Oh? Is that why you’re hanging out with her, because she’s good with her hands?

Gary 1: No. Not only that. She’s funny and she has a cool cat and she’s kinda like a whatever girl.

Gary 2: What’s a whatever girl?

Gary 1: A whatever girl is a girl who’s whatever about everything. She doesn’t hassle me about shit. She never says I can’t go out and hunt trim, but I’m not going to anyway. And she just takes shit as it comes. There’s no drama with her. Her effing house burned down and she’s been living in the garage but she’s been pretty whatever about it.

Gary 2: How did her house burn down?

Gary 1: She says a fox did it. She says there’s a fox living in the garage but every time I go over I never see it. She’s a little crazy. But the crazy ones are always crazy in the sack too.

Gary 2: Oh yeah? You guys do weird shit?

Gary 1: Oh yeah. She’s also whatever about TV. She lets me watch what I want to watch. Angie was always putting on the Bachelor or the local news or some shit.

Gary 2: Well that’s good. Maybe I’ll find myself a whatever girl. Does Linda have any whatever friends?

Gary 1: I don’t think so. All her friends are dudes and they’re not really her friends anymore because they’re friends with her ex-boyfriend. But I’ll ask.

NEXT: The Third Hang At The Other Laundromat

GARY 2 sits at the bar drinking a gin and tonic. His unfortunate clothes indicate that he is not a busy or vital man. He is talking to the bartender:

GARY 2: Now hold on. I don’t think destroying them is the answer. But maybe we could round ‘em up and put them somewhere.

Bartender: Like Indiana.

GARY 2: Now you’re talking.

Bartender: There has to be a farm in Indiana that could accommodate a hundred or so robots.

GARY 2: Oh, definitely. None of those farms are growing food anyhow. You know that they get paid NOT to grow food. And those hangbots would love it out there. They could hang out all they want and have all the sex they want.

Bartender: Oh, I meant to tell you: on my way to work today I passed by a hangbot and ladybot sixty-nining, right on the sidewalk. They were going at it hard, too.

GARY 2: Jesus. How’d you know they were robots?

BARTENDER: Sometimes you can just tell, man. And who else would be doing that on the street at 1 in the afternoon?

GARY 2: Good point.

BARTENDER: I took a few photos. Wanna see?

GARY 2: Of course.

[Bartender takes out phone and show Gary 2 the photos of the hangbot and ladybot sixty-nining.]

GARY 2: She is smokin.

[Gary 1 walks in the bar and takes a seat next to Gary 2.]

Gary 1: What’s that?

GARY 2: Photos of a hangbot sixty-nining a ladybot. Check it out. [and he passes him the phone]

GARY 1: Nice.

Bartender: I think it’s disgusting, actually. What if I were a six-year-old boy and I had to see that? What if the first time I saw people doing it they weren’t real people but robots? Now something isn’t right about that.

GARY 1: Wait a minute. Aw, man.

GARY 2: What?

GARY 1: That’s Josephine. My ladybot.

GARY 2: Are you sure? Her face is kinda blocked by that hangbot’s balls.

GARY 1: I’m sure.

Bartender: You’re going out with a ladybot?

GARY 1: We’re not going out. But I thought maybe she would want to.

GARY 2: Sorry man. Hey. Forget about her. She’s an effing ladybot. You don’t want that.

GARY 1: You’re probably right. But goddamnit. Right on the street, Josephine?

GARY 2: We were just talking about how someone should round up all the robots and put them on a farm in Indiana. That way we wouldn’t have to put up with their shit.

GARY 1: That’s not a bad idea.

GARY 2: Think about it: these effing scientists at Wright State make all these robots for no good reason and let them loose. They look like humans and they talk like humans and all they want to do is hang out and have sex. They don’t contribute anything to society. Why do we put up with it? Because the INSTITUTIONS are in control.

GARY 1: They are good at fucking, though. If someone does start rounding them ‘em up, you should try to get with a ladybot before that.

GARY 2: Maybe I will. But really, these institutions: the government, the educational system, the church, the Better Business Bureau. They do more harm then good, and they make people into spineless little robots. Even though we’re not the real robots. The robots are the real robots but we behave like robots too, you know?

[Bartender hands them fresh drinks.]

Bartender: Settle down, man. These are on the house. My apologies for the photos.

GARY 1: Don’t worry about it. You didn’t know.

GARY 2: So I don’t know why the cops aren’t harder on them. It’s like those hangouts have a free pass to be fuckabouts.

GARY 1: I bet this shit goes deeper, man. Like, the city council and Wright State are in on something together.

GARY 1: Like the government is using Dayton for an experiment. We could be a guinea pig city.

GARY 2: Yeah. Like they’re trying to replace workers with robots, but first they wanted to see how they’d do in society. Or maybe they want all the hangbots and ladybots to have sex with us and then see what the hybrids look like and then do tests on them.

GARY 1: It’s probably a little of both ideas. Soon regular dudes will be second-class citizens. Only robots and politciains and businessmen will be in power and we’ll all have to bow down to them.

GARY 2: WE ALREADY DO, MAN. The American man isn’t at home in his own country anymore.

GARY 1: Back in the ‘70s if you had arms and legs and high school degree you could get a good job in Dayton. Now look at the way things are. You can’t even walk to work without seeing two robots sucking each other off in the street.

GARY 2: All this nonsense started when they stopped letting cigarettes advertise on TV.

NEXT: Do We Need Cynar? 6

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: But if I don’t wear socks then my feet get all brown and gross. And if I walk through a puddle or wet grass it gets even worse.

GARY 2: So wear socks.

GARY 1: But that looks dumb.

GARY 2: How about you stick to tennis shoes then?

GARY 1: I might have to. But I just bought these boat shoes and I want to wear them.

GARY 2: Wear them without socks but make sure to clean your feet before anyone sees them.

GARY 1: That’s not a bad plan.

GARY 2: Speaking of, how did putt-putt go?

GARY 1: Woah, woah, how is that “speaking of?” We weren’t talking about girls or putt-putt. We were talking about feet.

GARY 2: It was a speaking of because you’re going to wash your feet before anyone sees them and the person who would most likely be seeing them is a lady. Like the lady you played putt-putt with.

GARY 1: That is hardly a speaking of.

GARY 2: Fine. Let’s change the subject, then. How did putt-putt go? How was the cat? [laughs]

GARY 1: It was OK. Don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Did you guys?

GARY 1: Maybe. Maybe not.

GARY 2: How did you do at putt-putt?

GARY 1: What does it matter? How does anyone ever do at putt-putt?

GARY 2: Did you beat her at least?

GARY 1: Oh yeah. I won.

GARY 2: Nice. You don’t want her to win at stuff this early on in the relationship. Did you get behind her and teach her how to putt?

GARY 1: There was a little of that, but it would upset the cat.

GARY 2: How so?

GARY 1: Well, every time she putted, I had to hold the cat. And when I would get behind her and teach her how to putt, the cat would have to sit on the green, which it didn’t like.

GARY 2: Is it on a leash?

GARY 1: She uses a few bungee cords all tied together.

GARY 2: Weird. So after putt-putt, what’d you do?

GARY 1: I said don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Wait. Did something happen? Something bad happened.

GARY 1: Look, man. It’s all good. We played some putt-putt and got to know each other.

GARY 2: No, no, no. It’s not all good. Something went down and YOU don’t want to talk about it.

GARY 1: I’ll tell you later.

GARY 2: Oh shit. You let that cat get in the clubhouse, didn’t you?

GARY 1: Not really.

GARY 2: You let that fucking cat in the clubhouse, didn’t you? You let the cat in the clubhouse and it started running around scratching people and the guy who works there had to kill it with a golf club, and then your date got all pissed. And she’s crying all like, Gary, why? Why’d you let my darling cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: That is not what happened.

GARY 2: But it was something like that. Just tell me.

GARY 1: I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone.

GARY 2: Dude. You go on one putt-putt date and you’re already making promises to this girl? You are a damn fool.

GARY 1: She said she doesn’t want anyone to know and I’m going to see her again so I figured it would stay between us. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you.

GARY 2: Whatever. Just tell me this: did you let that cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: Maybe.

GARY 2: Gary. Did you let that cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: The cat got in the clubhouse.

GARY 2: Fuckin A, I knew it.

GARY 1: But it wasn’t my fault.

BARTENDER: Around round, gents?

GARY 1: I would, but I gotta run.

GARY 2: Where are you off to?

GARY 1: To meet Josephine. The ladybot.

GARY 2: Nice. What are you guys doing?

GARY 1: Don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Dude. Just tell me, who cares?

GARY 1: We’re going to Ethan Allen. Josephine needs a new coffee table.

GARY 2: Since when do fucking ladybots use coffee tables?

GARY 1: Dude. Ladybots are people, too. Kinda.

GARY 2: Incorrect. They’re bots. Not people.

GARY 1: You sound like my dad.

GARY 2: Hey man, you do what you want, but remember: ladybots are part of the journey, not the destination.

[Gary 1 leaves]

NEXT: The Fox in the Garage Part 7: This Isn’t Ponderosa, People

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men. They are roiled up about something.

GARY 1: Marvin Lewis is a piece. Of. Shit.

GARY 2: Big time.

GARY 1: This is what he’s thinking. This is what he’s thinking when he wakes up in the morning: What can I do to piss off the entire tri-state area?

GARY 2: And that’s what he does.

GARY 1: And that’s exactly what he does. Every time he has a chance.

Bartender: Another round, gents?

GARY 1: A quick one, I’ve got to meet that girl.

GARY 2: The ladybot? Josephine?

GARY 1: Oh, I didn’t tell you. No, the girl from Burger King called, Linda, the one I gave the roses.

GARY 2: Nice. It worked.

GARY 1: She said she wants to play putt-putt. So we’re playing putt-putt tonight.

GARY 2: Nice. Think you’re gonna?

GARY 1: We’ll see. It could be weird because she said her cat has to come. She told me to call the putt-putt place and ask if that’s cool, so I called this morning and I ask the guy if they allow cats. The dude cracks up, and he’s like, Yeah, she can bring the cat. But it can’t come in the clubhouse.

GARY 2: [laughing] It can’t come in the clubhouse.

GARY 1: So I call her back and say she can bring the cat. She got real excited about it. She tells me she’s not good at golf but lately she’s been trying to try new things. She wants me to teach her how to putt.

GARY 2: Does she know you suck at putt-putt too?

GARY 1: I said I was OK at putt-putt. See, I want to do one of those things where you get behind a girl and teach her how to do something, like how to shoot pool or whatever, so it’s like, Hey honey, I’m all up on you but it’s not creepy because you’re learning something.

[The g and t's arrive.]

GARY 2: That’s the way to do it. She says she’s trying to try new things, eh? That sounds promising, if you know what I mean.

GARY 1: New things are good things.

GARY 2: I’d like to get a new thing going with a ladybot but every one I meet won’t give me the time of day.

GARY 1: Sucks, man.

GARY 2: Yeah. Like last week for example, I’m pulling out of a parking spot at Kroger’s and I run into a ladybot. And I’m like, Well, fuck. I wasn’t going that fast or anything so she’s not all fucked up, thank God. But she’s on the ground. I get out of the car and I’m apologizing like crazy and I ask if she needs water or a ride somewhere and she says no, don’t sweat it. She wasn’t pissed or anything, which was cool. So I figure, Hey, I got this ladybot here talking to me and she seems super-cool, I might as well ask her if she’d like to come back to my house for a beer.

GARY 1: Nice. What she’d say?

GARY 2: She says maybe. So I ask her what I can do to convince you? and she goes, Here’s my problem: If I go back to your place for a beer, I’m gonna want to have sex with you.

GARY 1: Very nice.

GARY 2: So I say, That’s fine with me, honey, get in the car. But she says, Are you an idiot? And I say sometimes. And she says, Well, I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s an idiot because if I get pregnant, our kid will be an idiot. Then she she wants me to prove to her that I’m not an idiot.

GARY 1: Wait, wait. Ladybots cannot get pregnant. Did you tell her that?

GARY 2: I did. I say ladybots can’t get pregnant, and this is the best part: she says that she’s not a typical ladybot. She’s a hybridbot: 25% human, 75% bot. The 25% parts are the parts she needs to get pregnant, all the tubes and pouches that girls have. She says humans get hybdridbots pregnant all the time but the babybots are usually killed. We never hear about it because the Air Force Base and Wright State are covering it up.

GARY 1: Bullshit.

GARY 2: Oh, I know. But I wanna get laid so I say, What can I do to prove to you that I’m not an idiot? She says, Name all the US presidents and their vice presidents in order, and I say that’s more or less impossible, and she says, No it’s not, and she names the first twenty or so real quick. She had  all those saved on her harddrive, it wasn’t fair. And I told her that.

GARY 1: Then what’d she say?

GARY 2: She said she wasn’t going to argue with someone who drinks before he goes grocery shopping.

GARY 1: What a bitch.

GARY 2: At this point I’m thinking, this isn’t happening, so I get in the car. But then she walks around to the window and asks me to roll it down and she gives me her number and says she wants me to call her sometime and we can get together. But only if I memorize the presidents first.

GARY 1: Wow. You should hit the books, man.

GARY 2: I’m gonna. I’m gonna get online about it.

GARY 1: Do it. [finishes drink and stands up to leave] So hey, I have to go to putt-putt.

GARY 2: Good luck with Burger King.

GARY 1: Thanks.

GARY 2: Oh, Gary. Hey Gary.

GARY 1: What?

GARY 2: [laughing] Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse.

GARY 1: I’ll try not to. [walks toward door]

GARY 2: Hey. Gary.

GARY 1: What?

GARY 2: Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse, Gary. Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse.

NEXT: The Fox in the Garage Part 5: The Date

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: So get this: I’m taking the trash out yesterday and a robot, a ladybot, asks me if I need help.

GARY 2: Oh yeah?

GARY 1: Yeah. And I had a lot of trash so I said sure. And I shit you not, we hit it off.

GARY 2: How did you hit it off with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Well, as she picks up a bag she shoots me this look, a sexy look, and she starts playing with her hair. And she asks me my name and she says she loves the name Gary.

GARY 2: Nice.

GARY 1: I know. And she’s a looker, too. So we’re carrying the trash out to the street and we’re chatting about God knows what, the draft I think, and she says, “It’s so hot out today. Could I come inside and have a drink?”

GARY 2: Very nice.

GARY 1: So we go inside and sit on the couch with some beers and she starts telling me how handsome and strong I am.

GARY 2: That’s funny.

GARY 1: Yeah, right? And then she asks me how much I can bench. I said 150 on a good day and she bought it. Next thing I know, we’re doing it and the OTB channel was on TV and she’s calling me horsey  and shit.

GARY 2: So you did it with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Yes.

GARY 2: Can’t you get arrested for that?

GARY 1: Probably. You can’t tell anyone. But listen, it gets better. Since she’s a robot she never tuckers out, you know. After a half hour I was pooped and went to have a cigarette on the porch, and I come back to find her in the kitchen, lying on the island getting off with my hand mixer.

GARY 2: Wow. What’d you say?

GARY 1: What can you say? I couldn’t tell her stop, even though it was a bit rude: she’s a stranger, after all, on my island, using my hand mixer.

GARY 2: The robots don’t have any social grace. So you stood there and watched her?

GARY 1: For a minute. Then I sat on the couch and watched Elf.

GARY 2: Amazing. So I have to ask: what’s it like? In there?

GARY 1: I knew that was coming. Dude, I would tell you if it was a one-time thing. But I’m gonna see this through. We talked a lot and she’s great.

GARY 2: Wait. You’re going to date the ladybot?

GARY 1: I think so.

GARY 2: Dude.

GARY 1: Do you have a problem with it?

GARY 2: No. If it feels right, do it, but don’t come crying to me when runs off with a hangbot who can show her a better time than you can. Those hangbots get all the girls.

GARY 1: Didn’t Angie hang out with a hangbot while you guys were on a break?

GARY 2: I was suspicious but she denies it. Robots, man. I say trash ‘em all.

GARY 1: I think you’re missing the big picture here. She doesn’t have friends I have to hang with. Robots don’t like stuff so she’s not gonna ask me to buy her stuff. She doesn’t have a family I’ll have to tuck in my shirt for. And she won’t cry about me being drunk all the time.

GARY 2: Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should find my own ladybot while Angie’s out of town.

GARY 1: Do it. Just stay away from Josephine.

GARY 2: Isn’t that your mom’s name?

GARY 1: It is. It’s a sign.

Next: The Third Laundromat Hang

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

Gary 1: So this dude Luke wants to sell me some Oxy. And Demerol. You in?

Gary 2: Woah, woah, who’s Luke? Where’d you meet him?

Gary 1: He works at Perkins, and I get breakfast at Perkins a lot.

Gary 2: You do?

Gary 1: Yes. You know that.

Gary 2: Call me the next time you’re getting breakfast at Perkins. Oxy makes me sick, so no Oxy for me, but I’ll take some Demerol. It’ll be good when I’m in Darryl’s dad’s pool this summer.

Gary 1: How much?

Gary 2: I can do fifty. So, this guy Luke, huh. What do you guys talk about?

Gary 1: Whatever. What’s good at Perkin’s and Bengals shit and what not.

Gary 2: That’s cool.

Gary 1: And girls.

Gary 2: Cool.

Gary 1: What’s Angie been up to?

Gary 2: She might be at the mall. She loves those Cinnabons. Oh wait, she’s in Pittsburgh, I forgot.

Gary 1: Come out to Fox and Hound tonight then. It’s Karaoke night.

Gary 2: We’re already at the Fox and Hound.

Gary 1: I know, but you can go home and change. Or just stay here all day.

Gary 2: What are you doing?

Gary 1: I’m gonna go home and change and come back around 10.

Gary 2: I think I might stay here all day.

Next: She Will Cost More Than I Thought She Would