Do We Need Cynar? 5

July 16, 2010

No? Was that a No, I would love to help if I had the money? Or: No, I have the money but I don’t want to give it to you? Am I allowed to feel shitty about this? Should I have expected more? Doesn’t he owe me? Didn’t I make him talk to that tipsy girl at Dave’s BBQ and didn’t they get together later that night, and when he asked me later what I thought of her, didn’t I say Go for it even though she seemed petty and she was rambling about her ex the PhD candidate and wouldn’t let anyone else speak? How do I remember this: wasn’t the ex researching rape in rap lyrics and literature and didn’t she say it was a turn-on at first but then it got weird because he treated sex like rape? And didn’t things go perfectly for Karen and Mike? Wasn’t it the kind of perfect relationship you never hear about? How long did it take before people were referring to them as Karen and Mike or Mike and Karen? After two months weren’t they all Gilbert and George and Tim and Eric and Laurel and Hardy? Is it pathetic when the bundling happens so quickly or is it what we secretly want?

Who else has money? Or should I just pack it in and become a bartender? But shouldn’t I beg for another month? So: Who else has money? Would the wife’s parents step up? Didn’t her dad pay for the honeymoon but after that: I only have love for you two, capice? CAPICE? Was he a dick when he was a teenager or did he gradually become one as he made money? If the restaurant does well and we get money will I become a dick too? And would that be so terrible?

Oh what would sort fury would there be if I asked him before consulting the wife?

-Hey Jealousy is going under.

-I figured. It’s the crowd. HJ doesn’t appeal to thirty-somethings. Real people with money.

-You might be right. But you have to stop calling it HJ. HJ means handjob.

-Who cares what I call it? At this rate there’s not gonna be an It to call HJ, so what does it matter? I’ll call it Failuretown Bistro if I want.

-Why are you such a stick in the mud?

-Oh don’t even, Richard. You should serve more seafood. And nix all that taxidermy. And get some pretty servers and bartenders, for Chrissakes.

-We have pretty girls.

-No you don’t. What’s that one girl’s name? Emma?

-Just M. The letter.

-Case in point. She’s not helping. She always look like she’s smirking.

-That’s just what her face looks like. I like it, actually.

-Oh you do? Would you want me to start smirking all the time?


-Good. I’ll start smirking so I’ll look more like M. the smirking bartender whom my husband has a crush on.

-At this point, I don’t care what you do.


-Oh. So. Do you think your parents would want to invest–

-Are you serious?

-I’m sorry.

-Fuck Richard, probably not. But yes, I can call them.


-SWEET. This is what you say? SWEET? JESUS H.

-Sorry. How about: thank you, wife.

-Do you know how much stress you bring into our life?


-Good. Because you’re a shitstorm of stress. You’re a dumb erect stress-dick.

-I know.

-Every time you come to me with anything, it’s always: Nobody’s buying the pork loin. M.’s sick again and Robbie can’t cover. The cheese plates are better at Marlow and Sons. Everything that comes out of your mouth is a bitchy lump of shit and it’s giving me pain. Never once do I hear: It’s a beautiful day so I’m going to take my wife to one of the many parks this city has to offer and I’m going to use my culinary skills and put together a picnic and then I’ll romance her the way I used to and then she’ll thank me the way she used to.

-Oh Good Lord.

-No. No. It’s valid. Blowjobs prevent divorce, you know.

-Who said anything about divorce?

-No one. You know, after you whined about Cynar the other day I had to get a massage, and the masseuse said, What do you like? and you know what I said? I said, I need you to rub out the Richard. And she said, Who’s Richard? And I said, he’s my husband and he’s knotting up my shoulders with his bullshit attitude.

-Did it work?

-Yeah. Jessica’s the best.

-Good. So you’ll call your parents?


NEXT: All This Nonsense Started When They Stopped Letting Cigarettes Advertise On TV



Do We Need Cynar? 4

June 15, 2010

What’s wrong with Slinky? Is Slinky no good because Slinkies are objects and the last thing she wants is to be objectified? Or is it because a slinky is a toy and she doesn’t want to be something I play with and boys love their toys until they get sick of them and forget about them and then they move on to a better toy? Or: A slinky is a hollow and kinda like a tube and she’s thinking that I’m calling her Slinky because her vagina is like a slinky and she doesn’t me to think of her as something with a vagina, or does she?

But if I stop calling her Slinky then aren’t I a pushover? Shouldn’t we pick a name for our women and stick with it no matter how much they hate it? Won’t the back-and-forth keep things fun? Won’t it keep us young? Won’t we forever be kids kicking each other under the desk in elementary school? Does she want Us to be young and cute or serious and—? French? Don’t the French only have serious affairs? Wasn’t that waitress seriously eyeing me outside the Pompidou? And why didn’t I say anything? Why couldn’t I talk to women unless I was half-drunk until I was 27? Why did it take me 27 years to grow a pair? Why was Robbie blessed with a pair? How do Puerto Ricans grow a pair so early? Is it all the dancing? Should I have re-watched that YouTube video of Latin children grinding at a birthday party?

Goddamnit, why does Robbie need to chat right now?

-Hey boss, the cheese guy called.


-He says you’ll need to need pay cash upon delivery from now on.

-OK. OK. No problem.

-He’s coming by at four today and he seemed pissed.

-When he comes, tell him to come back Sunday.

-You don’t have the money?

-No. I have it. I have it. But tell him to come Sunday and see what he says.

-Dude. Tell me right now if I should be looking for a new job.

-You should start looking for a new job. But don’t quit yet, and don’t tell M.

Who has money? Who’s rolling in it that I haven’t pissed off? The Gersons? Are the Gersons still angry about three years ago? It was a Bat Mitzvah, so wasn’t everyone drunk? Or was I the only drunk person at Rachel Gerson’s Bat Mitzvah? When Rachel talks about her Bat Mitzvah years from now will she say, And there was this drunk guy who danced with my great aunt and he spilled Prosecco all over her? Prosecco doesn’t stain so wasn’t it a good thing that I spilled Prosecco on her because it gave Rachel Gerson a story to tell later? Don’t the Gersons appreciate good food? Don’t they know I’m nothing without my cheese boards? Who doesn’t want to invest in farm-to-table cuisine? They haven’t come in for dinner in a while but aren’t they in Oregon half the year now? Of course: last New Year’s he talked about their house on the water in the chin of Oregon, or is it the lip? And didn’t he say their house is the second-most-westerly building in the lower 48 states? And they’d planted Douglas Hawthorns and Western Bleeding Hearts and Karen told us her dad had said “Bleeding Hearts? How appropriate. My daughter is married to a liberal pussy” which was the end of a story that took Karen forever to tell and somehow cracked up the room or was it a good story and am I just a grump who only wants people to laugh at things I say?

Will I ever live in the Pacific Northwest?

-Hi, is this Karen?

-Richard, long time, no talk. How is everything, how’s HJ?

Why does she call Hey Jealously HJ? Doesn’t she know that HJ = hand job?

-Is Mike home?

-What, you don’t want to chat?

-No, no, how is everything, how’s Rachel?

-She’s great, I’m just messing with you, here’s Mike.



-Hey buddy.

-How’s the chin of Oregon?

-Amazing. So amazing. And you? How’s Brooklyn?

-Same old. It is the chin, right? Not the lip or the nose?

-It’s the chin, and it’s heaven man. So get this: this morning I’m out pissing in the woods and a fucking salamander crawls right over my foot.


-Yeah, I know. I could feel its slime between my toes. Well, maybe not slime, it’s not a slug, but I could feel its wetness on my toes. And at first I was like, this fucker’s gonna get it and I was gonna kill it.


-But I didn’t. I didn’t kill it. And I’m not sure why.

-It’s the chin.

-The chin?

-Living on the chin has made you softer. More empathic.

-Maybe you’re right.

-It’s like you used to be a hard urbanite and now you’re an earthy man. Now you’re a calm, generous man.

-You might be onto something.

-Do you feel different?

-Not really. The pot’s different, it’s better, but that’s about it. Oh, I’ve been drinking chamomile tea.

-Well you sound different, more relaxed.

-That’s good to hear.


-So what’s up?

-OK so this is gonna sound, and don’t think I was just calling just because. How would like you invest in the restaurant?

Next: Cool Dads



Do We Need Cynar? 3

May 4, 2010

-Hey Slinky, that’s a nice bracelet.

-Excuse me?

-I said that’s a nice bracelet.

-I heard you, but did you call me Slinky?

-What? No good?

-That’s not allowed.

-Too soon for names?

-You can give me a name, but Slinky is not allowed.

-What’s wrong with Slinky?

-If you don’t see anything wrong with Slinky, then I feel sorry for you.

-It’s because your body resembles a slinky when you hang over my bed and look for your bra after we have sex. Like a slinky hanging over a step.

-That just made everything so much worse.

-Well, I thought it was cute. Anyway. The Dead Guy needs to be changed.

-You change it.

-Now, Slinky.


Next: I Could Have Spent More Time On Her



Do We Need Cynar? 2

April 20, 2010

-Now add the Cynar. Why is your hand shaking?
-It’s not shaking.
-Yes, it is. And now the gin.

Is M. actually nervous or does she have the shakes? Should I tell her to drink less or let her figure it out? Day drinking: a problem in the restaurant industry or part of the fun? Why are M.’s thumbs so thin? Do a woman’s hands come from her father’s side or her mother’s side? Where is Science on that one? What’s her father like? Did he never tell her what to do and is that why she doesn’t listen to anyone and wears idiotic clothes? Why won’t she help me out and teach Robbie how to make a Harrumph? Does she actually not want to or is she testing me? Is she thinking, Does he like women who order him around?

-Now add the Cynar.
-Got it.
-And now the gin.
-That’s easy.
-M. had some trouble.
-What does that mean?
-I don’t know. I actually think M’s great.
-So do I.
-I can see that.

He can see that? Did he see us come out of the bathroom together last week? Why was he at work so early? Is Robbie using the restaurant for unsavory purposes? Dealing? Gambling? Has Robbie jacked off on the clock? Am I paying this boy to jack off in the bathroom? Where will he work once we go under? He says he wants to get into PR but he’s too fat, right? Could he be a teacher? Could he hush a room of rowdy kids? Could he treat the dim kids as well as the smart kids? Would he favor the poor athletic ones because he grew up poor and athletic or would he realize all these kids deserve a fighting chance? Would he sleep with a teacher? And the next day would he nod sweetly as he passed her in the hall or would he treat her as if nothing happened? Does Robbie get any or is he all talk?

-So I got with this girl Saturday.
-Not really. She wanted me to call her a shithead. During.
-Yeah, and when I said I didn’t want to, she started calling me a shithead. And she said I fuck like a shithead.

Would the wife like to be called shithead? How about a stick in the mud? Why do I call her pony? And why does she let me? Should a man call his wife a pony in mixed company or is that strictly for the bedroom? Do I need a name for M.? Is slinky apt? Doesn’t she resemble a slinky when she hangs over the bed and looks for her clothes, like a slinky hanging over a step?

Next: Gary 2 Got With a Ladybot



Do We Need Cynar?

March 26, 2010

My wife comes home tipsy and says:

-Have you heard of Cynar?

-I think so. No I haven’t.


-What’s interesting?

-That you run a bar and you don’t know Cynar. It’s an artichoke liqueur.

-I haven’t heard of everything.

-Don’t you keep up?

-I keep up. I read my sites.

-What sites?

-You wouldn’t know them.

-What sites?

-Webtender, for one.

She takes out her phone and goes to Webtender and laughs.

-What’s wrong with Webtender?


-Why are you so into Cynar?

- We were just at the Fear and the bartender made us a drink called the Harrumph. It’s gin, soda, something else, and Cynar, and I asked him what Cynar was and we chatted and I told him you run Hey Jealousy. He loves your burger.

-We do a good burger.

Do we need Cynar? Is Hey Jealousy the type of bar that serves Cynar? Am I the type of the guy who runs a bar that has Cynar? Could I make my own version of the Harrumph and give it another name? The Hound Dog? The Wife? Why am I not a creative person? Would people order it? What would it cost? Will we continue to lose more and more money? What will I do once the bar goes under? What are my talents, and where are these green jobs? Is it too early for us to have Cynar? Too late? Who else has Cynar? Who could I call at New York Beverage?

-Brian. I have a question. Who’s getting Cynar?

-Most people. You’re not?

-Why would I?

-For Harrumphs. How are you making Harrumphs?

Was 25 bottles too much? How long will they last? Till 2030? Will I be alive in 2030? Will I be married? Will someone I know from school be president? Andrew Yingling? Does he have the cojones? Are we still calling them cojones? Am I the type of guy who says cojones whether or not other people are calling them cojones? Do I have the cojones to sleep with M. again? Will she be impressed when I tell her we’re adding a new drink even though it’s not a new new drink? Are there any new new drinks to be made? Will I have to show her and Robbie how to make it or could they learn online? Have I ever taught anyone anything before?

Next: I More or Less Wrote That Song



  Next Entries »

ryanthomasgrim [AT] gmail
Published Work

Page 1: The Fox in the Garage

How I Started a Family

Do We Need Cynar?

Gary 1 and Gary 2

I Work at a Fashionable Hotel Called the Hudson

C.O.D.Y. the Robot Who Hangs Out

Ann and Her Birdhouses

Luke and His Bobber

The Fox in the Garage in 3-D

105 Stories About Ohio


The Slugman of Herbert Street

Harold and the Purple Women


Dos Factotum

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