Presidential Boypussy

July 27, 2020

George Washington’s boypussy was so pink, Martha named it Puppy Nose.


For most of his life, John Adams never thought much about his boypussy. When he was 85 years old he examined it with a mirror for the first time and broke down crying.


Thomas Jefferson’s boypussy was wide and smooth, like a marcona almond.

Little James Madison gathered strength from his tiny, taut boypussy.

James Monroe had a boypussy like Brillo pad.

John Quincy Adams’ mother thought his convex bussy was the mark of satan and hid it from his father.


Andrew Jackson’s aides would rub his hungover boypussy with a soothing balm after weekend benders.


The merits of Martin Van Buren’s boypussy are a mystery to historians.


William Henry Harrison would run his class ring around his puffy boypussy before making a big decision.

John Tyler would sneak away with the fireplace bellow.


Zachary Taylor once asked a priest to bless his bussy. The priest said, “Get outta here with that. We don’t bless bussies here.”

Millard Fillmore hated boypussies and couldn’t stand it when someone said the word “boypussy.” Probably because he had a bad one.

Franklin Pierce was born without a boypussy. The doctors did the best they could with the boypussy technology they had at the time and bored a primitive boypussy into him.

James Buchanan got cauliflower bussy from falling off his horse bussy-first.


Abraham Lincoln had a flawless boypussy—and was killed for it.

After the doctors amputated Andrew Johnson’s necrotic boypussy he buried it in his family plot.


When Ulysses S. Grant drank, his boypussy came out.


Rutherford B. Hayes blamed his mother’s Sicilian genes for his swarthy boypussy.


The doctors knew James Garfield was a goner once his feverish boypussy turned purple.


Every August at Lake Champlain, Chester A. Arthur’s hypertrophic bussy lips would peek out from under his bathing suit.


Grover Cleveland had a boypussy like a bear trap.


Benjamin Harrison had a boypussy like an old sponge.


William McKinley once jailed a man for giving his misshapen boypussy a dirty look.

Theodore Roosevelt would fold a taxidermied bear paw and squeeze it into his boypussy at parties.

William H. Taft had a boypussy like a rain-soaked cardboard box.


Woodrow Wilson was so proud of his bussy, he put it on the two-dollar bill. The Treasury Department only printed a few hundred, and they’re worth a small fortune today.

Warren Harding embezzled money in his conniving boypussy.

Calvin Coolidge had a furry little boypussy like a lucky rabbit’s foot.


Herbert Hoover’s boypussy was the first of many presidential boypussies to be on the cover of Time Magazine.

A Saturday Evening Post reporter coined the phrase “hubba hubba” while exalting FDR’s perfect boypussy.

Harry S. Truman picked his bussy warts in the shower.

Only one presidential boypussy was wounded in battle—Eisenhower’s.

JFK had a fine presidential bussy, but his chronic back problems hurt its utility.

When Lyndon Johnson wanted to end a meeting he’d rip a loud bussy fart and say, “This meeting stinks, boys!”

Richard Nixon was the only president to openly use his boypussy to wield power and punish his enemies.

When Betty was out of town, Gerald Ford would open beer bottles with his engorged boypussy.

Jimmy Carter’s boypussy isn’t a beauty queen but it gets the job done. Every day he thanks God for giving him a reliable boypussy.

Ronald Reagan had the only presidential boypussy to be featured in a TV ad; it was for the Chevy Apache truck, in 1965.

George H. W. Bush’s bussy had knots like a spooky old tree.

Bill Clinton’s boypussy still fucks.

George W. Bush’s dumbass boypussy scarfs down raspberry kolaches.

Barack Obama misses scooting his bare beefy boypussy across the Resolute Desk.

Donald Trump had a body-mod artist make his boypussy look like the Taj Mahal.



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