Brushes With Fame

November 28, 2012

*Around 2001 my mom started hosting dinner parties for middle-aged singles in the tri-state area. (The three states are Ohio, Indiana, and Kentucky.) Baby boomers would descend on our house a few times year and get really drunk, and my friends and I would often bartend. Being 15 at the time, this was our unfortunate introduction to partying.

One of the regular guests was a Dayton divorce attorney who happened to be Rob Lowe’s dad. He was older than most of the crowd, and after a drink or two he became quite the charmer. One night I found myself in a conversation with Rob Lowe’s dad and three male strangers. The strangers were businessmen types who I remember being pretty annoying compared to RLD, and it seemed like they were just meeting RLD for the first time that night, and RLD does not mention that he is RLD when he meets people for the first time.

For whatever reason, the strangers started an unbearable local-celebrity name-dropping contest. It went down sort of like this:

Stranger 1: I had dinner with the governor last week.

Stranger 2: How is Bob?

Stranger 1: Same old, still a bullshitter.

Stranger 2: Your words, not mine!

Stranger 3: The other day I was playing golf with John Glenn and he told me what it’s like to shit in outer space.

Stranger 2: How is Johnny Boy doing?

Stranger 3: Still a prick. I hope he dies soon!

[Laughter.]

[There was a break in the action, and then RLD chimed in with this:]

Rob Lowe’s Dad: You think that’s cool? Well, get this: I’ve fucked Rob Lowe’s mom.

[Laughter.]

I’ve fucked Rob Lowe’s mom is what he said.

He may or may not have explained later that he used to be married to her. I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter.

Great party, mom!

*Remember Spellbound, that documentary about spelling bees? One of the girls in it, April, lived in my sophomore year dorm. We weren’t friends, and I don’t think we ever really spoke to each other, but I would see her at parties, and I heard she didn’t like talking about how she was in Spellbound.

*Neil Gaiman’s brother worked on a documentary with my old roommate, and when he passed through New York he crashed on our futon for a few nights. He seemed to enjoy talking about how he was Neil Gaiman’s brother. The Neil Gaiman movie Mirrormask happened to be in theaters the weekend Neil Gaiman’s brother was crashing with us. He paid to see it in the theater even though, if I remember correctly, he had already seen it.

*A few years ago I brought my younger sister to a party at my friend’s parents’ apartment in SoHo. She was 17 at the time, didn’t know anyone else there, and was pretty bored, so she went out to the hallway to make a phone call. A half hour later she came back to the party with John Mayer and his friend. Someone gave John Mayer a beer and he drank it at the kitchen counter. He lived down the hall and talked to us in great detail about how the layout of his apartment was different than my friend’s apartment. I think he said his countertop was different and his ceiling lights were newer. That’s all he would talk about. He said, “Not tonight” when a young girl tried to take a picture with him. He told my friend that his parents were teachers and didn’t own a nice apartment, and that he deserved to live in the building because he earned his money, implying my friend had no business being there, which was rude.

*Kenneth Starr has a daughter who went to Vanderbilt University, where my brother went. One late night out when I was visiting, Kenneth Starr’s daughter and I happened to be in the same cab. I didn’t talk to her, or know who she was, or even realize there was a girl in the backseat at the time because I was so drunk. But later on my brother told me that Kenneth Starr’s daughter was in my cab.

“Who is Kenneth Starr?” I said.

“You know, the Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky lawyer,” he said.

“Oh yeah, I think I’ve heard that name before.”

“That’s his daughter.”

There you have it, my brushes with fame. To be honest, I only wanted to tell my Rob Lowe’s dad story, but it’s not long enough to be its own article so I had to tack on a few more of my brushes with fame.

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