The Toads’ Policy

August 10, 2011

Before Aunt Suze made him go to law school Uncle Rick was in Wapakoneta’s second fiercest biker gang. The Toads were the second fiercest because they treated women well. The Sturgeon did not treat not women well, and if you want to know more about that, ask Aunt Suze to tell you about the Sturgeon she rode with who sanded down her nose with her own nail file who is now a district court judge, no joke. The Toads had a policy: each spring they’d go on a trim hunt in Columbus. They’d plop ladies on the back of their hogs and ride to Toledo for Meat Fest. If a lady stayed on the hog all the way to Toledo, and didn’t let another Toad get up on her in the motel’s pool– and yes, they’d try, to test the ladies — AND she seemed to enjoy Meat Fest enough, then she was officially that Toad’s ladyfriend and none of the other Toads could try to get up on her anymore. Then the Toads would ride down to Trotwood where they knew a guy who lived in an old schoolhouse and they’d party there until the ladies got restless. If a lady stayed on the hog all the way to Trotwood then she was officially her Toad’s old lady. Old ladies were temporarily honorary Toads. Toadettes. Nobody called them Toadettes, though, and they didn’t get a Toad jacket or Zippo, but if they had the time and wherewithal they were permitted to make their own Toad swag. A Toad couldn’t get up on his old lady’s friends, but he could get up on his ladyfriend’s friends as long as a) he was very drunk and other people saw that he was drunk, and b) the ladyfriend’s friend whom he was getting up on wasn’t another Toad’s ladyfriend or old lady. If a Toad had an old lady he had to be stealth: he could only get up on other ladies who were in no way affiliated with his old lady or the Toads, and he couldn’t be seen with the other lady by a Sturgeon because those dudes were meddlesome and they’d tell the Toad’s old lady to stir up shit.

If an old lady stayed on the back of a Toad’s hog all the way back to Toad HQ in Wapakoneta, then the Toad had to make a choice: he could say a) “I’m a rolling stone. Toads don’t mate for life” and take her back to Columbus; b) “First you were a stranger, then you were my ladyfriend, and now you’re my old lady, lady. It’s time to meet my momma” or his aunt or sister if his momma had passed, and he’d make it a real Christian thing with her; or c) “It’s been great, but I need to demote you to ladyfriend status. Toads don’t mate for life, and while I couldn’t imagine not having you in my life right now, I need other ladyfriends to live a full life.” C) was the most common choice. One Toad used c) so often he had it tattooed on the bottom of his foot. Instead of saying it to an old lady he wanted to demote, he would show her his foot, which was much easier. If an old lady said she was fine with being demoted to ladyfriend status then she became a permanent honorary Toad. No matter what happened between her and the Toad, she was a Toadette for life, you could say, not that a Toad would ever say that. Aunt Suze agreed to option c) and put up with Rick being a Toad for five years. She calls those years her chlamydia years. Uncle Rick was the first Toad to get married, and soon after he enrolled in law school the other Toads married their old ladies, too. Some Toads skipped a step and promoted their pregnant ladyfriends to wife status. Eventually every Toad sold his hog to pay for diapers and other wife shit, except for the Toad with the foot tattoo, who joined the Sturgeon.



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