The Sixth Laundromat Hang

June 28, 2011

[C.O.D.Y. the Robot Who Hangs Out enters the laundromat, Sarah’s laundromat, the one place in Dayton where he’s not allowed to hang out. He’s smoking a cigar. Because detectives smoke things. He puts on an intimidating face and approaches Sarah.]

CODY: I’m here to see Sarah Philbin. Do you know where she is?

SARAH: Oh no.

CODY: Is she hiding in the back room because she knows she’s guilty?

SARAH: What do you want?

CODY: I’m a detective and I am here to investigate a robbery. Are you Sarah?

SARAH: What do you want from me?

CODY: Tell me where the missing clothes are. I know you know.

SARAH: We’ve already talked about this. I don’t know where the missing clothes are. They were stolen from Teddy’s laundromat, not mine. You have no reason to be here.

CODY: Interesting. No. That is VERY interesting. How did you know they were taken from Teddy’s l-mat?

SARAH: Because you told me when you came in here a week ago.

CODY: Did I?

SARAH: Yes. You said she’s missing a red hoodie and an Ekoostik Hookah t-shirt and some other stuff. I’ll keep an eye for it.

CODY: For someone who is supposedly innocent, you know a helluva lot about this crime. Where were you when the clothes were stolen?

SARAH: I don’t know. Somewhere, I’m sure.

CODY: Guilty AND coy. That’s my kinda lady.

SARAH: Cody, stop.

CODY: Answer my questions and I’ll leave. Where were you when the clothes were stolen?

SARAH: When were they stolen?

CODY: Something like two weeks ago. On a Saturday morning. Or a Wednesday night.

SARAH: You don’t even know when they were stolen, do you?

CODY: No, I know. But I don’t want to tell you. It’s classified. And I am keeping my suspects on a don’t-know basis. So you don’t get to know.

SARAH: I think you mean to say a need-to — nevermind. How do you expect me to tell you where I was when the clothes were stolen if you don’t even know when they were stolen?

CODY: Ah, drag.

SARAH: You’re not a detective, Cody. You’re a hangbot. You hang out and chase ladybots. That’s it. That’s all you’ll ever do. Detectives interview actual suspects, not women they like. Detectives know when the crime happened. And I’m pretty sure detectives don’t walk around with Little Feat songs blasting from speakers embedded in their bodies.

CODY: Aw, you think so?

SARAH: I know so.

CODY: So what do I do now?

SARAH: What do you mean, what do you do?

CODY: If you were the detective for this case, what would you do?

SARAH: First, find out when the clothes were stolen. Then interview Teddy about it. He’s shady as fuck.

CODY: You’re so smart. [He takes her by the hand.] And your skin, it’s so smooth.

SARAH: No, it’s not.

CODY: Sarah, smart and smooth. That’s what I’ll call you from now on.

SARAH: I work with bleach all day. Mah hands are rocks.

CODY: They are smooth rocks. Rocks that were plopped by God in a river somewhere majestic. Like Ireland. Wait, NORTHERN Ireland. And for thousands of years, before humans were on Earth, that majestic Northern Irish water massaged those rocks into the smooth hands you have today. [He kisses her hand.]

SARAH: Cody, stop.

CODY: Your pinky is the smoothest. Have you noticed that? It got massaged the most. It’s funny how nature makes some things that are beautiful and perfect and other things are stuff no one notices. Have you ever thought that?

SARAH: No.

CODY: Like, why did you get such perfect hands and some baby in China I read about was born without a neck? He’s just a head on two shoulders.

SARAH: I don’t know why.

CODY: He needs a neck more than you need smooth hands.

SARAH: I’m sure he’ll be fine. There are worse things to be born without.

CODY: Like what?

SARAH: Like the inability to recognize when you’re being a nuisance.

CODY: I don’t know what most of those words mean.

SARAH: I’m really busy. [The l-mat is empty.] You should go. I think I saw a guy wearing a red hoodie at Skyline last night. He looked like a thief. Go catch him.

CODY: Niiice. Which skyline?

SARAH: The one by the Home Depot.

CODY: Which Home Depot?

SARAH: The one by I-75. Or maybe the one by I-70. Check both. Check every Home Depot in Columbus, too.

CODY: You’re so smart. I’ll check ‘em out and report back to you. Let me see those hands again.

SARAH: No.

CODY: Sarah, we’ve been through a lot. We’re coping with a heinous crime. The least you can do is let me see your hands.

SARAH: WE haven’t been through shit.

[A country ballad blasts from Cody:] Oooh, sweet Sarah, won’t you give me your hand? / I want to hold it and kiss it and parade it ‘cross the land. / For you must understand that I’m sinking in quicksand. / But I’d rather sink in your sand than find another wo-mand. / Oooh, sweet Sarah, your fold those clothes so well. / You work all day and I’ll fix you supper and ring that dinner bell. / And when supper’s o’er and the moon is riding high / I’ll kiss your hands and then we’ll go to the bedroom / and then I’ll pet your silken hair and kiss your hands again / and then you’ll hate yourself for taking so long to come around. / But I don’t care how long it takes because detectives are patient folk.

SARAH: Cody, stop it.

THE SONG: And when you’re ready to live with me we’ll buy a home up on a hill / With a pond in the back and a hoop in the driveway –

SARAH: CODY. Stop it. [The music stops.] What song is that?

CODY: Oh, it’s nothing.

SARAH: Tell me. Did you write that song?

CODY: Maybe.

SARAH: And you recorded it?

CODY: Yeah, maybe.

SARAH: Oh, Cody. You wrote and recorded a song about us having sex and living together?

CODY: It’s about so much more than that. You’ve only heard the first verse. The second verse gets a little weird but the third verse is normal again.

SARAH: The whole thing is weird. You didn’t come here to investigate a robbery, did you?

CODY: Draaag. I’m so guilty!

SARAH: You came here to play that song for me.

CODY: Detectives don’t reveal everything.

SARAH: It’s a very sweet song.

CODY: Niiice.

SARAH: It’s also very creepy and I want you to leave.

CODY: Draaag.

SARAH: Listen: Please don’t come back. Don’t come here to investigate a robbery. Don’t come here to play me a song. Any song. That goes for songs you wrote or songs you think will make me like you. And that includes classic rock songs you’ve changed the lyrics to so they’re about me. Those are just as bad as an original song

CODY: But what if I want to wash my clothes here?

SARAH: You work at a laundromat! Wash your shitty clothes there.

CODY: You think my clothes are shitty?

SARAH: I do. I’m sorry, but I do. I can’t change they way I feel about your clothes.

CODY: Is that why you won’t – ?

SARAH: No, that’s not why. Oh, Cody, why do you have to do this? I’ve told you so many times it’s never going to happen. I have a boyfriend. And I love him very much. [She’s upset now.] He’s great. Luke is the greatest.

CODY: Luke must write excellent songs about you then. Maybe sometime I could check out the songs he’s written AND RECORDED about you. I bet his songs are twice as good as “Moon Hang.” They must be, if you like him so much.

SARAH: Is “Moon Hang” the title of your song about me?

CODY: It is.

SARAH: Why is it called “Moon Hang”?

CODY: Because in the third verse we hang out on the moon and Neil Armstrong marries us. You would know that already if you didn’t make me turn it off.

[CODY is very upset now and he leaves in a hurry.]

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