4 Percent

April 5, 2011

[GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.]

Gary 1: Angie says I need to sort things out before we can attempt a relationship. She thinks it would be best if we didn’t talk for a bit.

Gary 2: I thought you were in a relationship.

-So did I.

-How long is a bit?

-I don’t know.

-Did she find out about the other girl? Cat and fox girl.

-Linda? I hope not. Oh shit, did she? No. No way.

-You never know. They all talk, you know. I have a theory: They have an email listserv where they report things to each other, so if one knows something, they all know. Eventually.

-I don’t think she knows about Linda. So I said, What sorts of things?

-Yeah. What sorts of things do you need to sort out?

-Get this: She says the things are for ME to figure out.

-She won’t tell you the things?

-Nope.

-So you have things to figure out AND things to sort out? Are they the same things?

-I believe so. Maybe it’s only one thing. Or maybe it’s a hundred things. First I need to figure them out and then I need to sort them out.

-It could be a three-step process: first you have to hunt them down, and then you figure them out, and then you sort them out. Hunt. Figure. Sort.

-Is it things season right now? Do I need a license to hunt things or can I just walk around in the woods with my thinking cap on and think about things?

-Once the things are sorted, what do you do with them?

-I don’t know. I’ll bring them to her and she’ll sort through them I guess and see if they’re sorted well enough.

-Where are you going to put them once they’re sorted? A Tupperware container or a shoebox or some shit?

-I think I’ll drop them in Angie’s car with the rest of her garbage. Have you seen her car? It’s like an ashtray, a landfill and a Ford Tempo fucked and had a baby. And that baby is her car.

-What happens if you sort them out BEFORE you figure them out?

-Angie will know, and it won’t count. I’ll have to start all over with the figuring and then sort them again, sort them better.

-And what if you figure them out, but you don’t sort them right? Do you think she’ll know?

-She’ll know.

-Women. Why can’t they just — be better?

-I know. Like, why can’t they just do things that they should do instead of doing things nobody wants them to do?

-Sometimes it’s like this: we have to have them around because if it were only dudes all the time then what would we be doing all day? Well, we’d be having a great time, but only for a few days. After a week it would be terrible. But other times when they’re around it’s like, Good God, who invited these people? Why do we put up with these delicate monsters you can’t hit? What do they want from us? What are they trying to get us to do? Why do they say things they don’t mean to see what we will say? Why are they doing things nobody wants them to do?

-Sometimes it’s like they are lumps of flesh who wreak havoc on everything good in this world.

-They are mean lumps of flesh, aren’t they? With wet holes.

-You can’t forget those holes.

-We need those holes.

-We need the holes to live, but to continue getting the holes we need to do things they want us to do that we would never want to do, and we have to put up with the mean, whiny lumps of flesh that are attached to the holes.

-Exactly. It’s like a video game. We go about our business, doing cool shit all day, like what we’re doing now, but every once and a while we need to power up. And we power up by getting in the holes. But to get in the holes we have to defeat, or at least tolerate, the boss. And the boss is the sack of flesh that does things nobody wants it to do.

-The mouth is a tricky hole. I’m conflicted about the mouth. Because sometimes it’s the best hole. When they feel like it. But other times –

-It’s the worst one. All the trouble with women starts in the mouth.

-At least 96 percent of the time it’s the worst hole.

-But it’s worth putting up with it for the other 4 percent.

-Is it?

-It is.

-But is it?

-I think so.

-But is it? They have blowjob machines you can buy online for not too much money. 96 percent is so much more percent than 4 percent. I’m not sure that hole on a woman is worth it.

-If you’re only getting blown 4 percent of the time, you’re still doing some good living.

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