Shoe Butt

January 10, 2011

Aunt Frida says she’ll never love again. She blames Charlie Sheen.

Christmas Eve, 1990. Charlie Sheen was in Dayton visiting family. Everyone knows that when Charlie Sheen’s in town he goes out and chases tail and that year Aunt Frida’s tail was one of the tails he chased and caught and did things to in his room at the Holiday Inn. Aunt Frida says he did sick things to it but she was cool with it because it was Charlie Sheen after all and he really was a very sweet guy. The next morning they ate eggs together and exchanged phone numbers. Charlie Sheen said he was going back to LA that afternoon but in May he would be back in town and they should meet up. Aunt Frida said she would like that. May came and went and there was no call from Charlie Sheen. Frida says that she knew he wasn’t going to call but we don’t believe her because back then she was a nervous wreck. She had lost ten pounds in preparation to meet and have sex with Charlie sheen again. She even started flossing. In June she called him but he didn’t answer. She didn’t leave a message because she thought he would just laugh at it and play it for his actor friends. She thought he would say something like, This sliz I threw it to in Dayton thinks I’m going to call her back.

Fourth of July, 1991. We’re eating dinner downtown and Aunt Frida is weepy-drunk. She asks the waiter if that wedding ring ever comes off. You know, for special occasions. He says it doesn’t. But do you know what I mean by special occasions? Isn’t today, the anniversary of our NATION, a special occasion? She says nation like nation is a man she wants to murder. The waiter says it never comes off.

We walk to Frida’s apartment to drink more and set off bottle rockets. We’re in the kitchen opening a bottle of something and someone says there’s a message on the answering machine. Frida has one of those phones that plays voice mail out of its speakers so when she plays the message we can all hear it: Hello. This is Charlie. Charlie Sheen. Frida says, Oh my God! I hope you remember me. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. You know how my schedule is. Anyway, I’m in town for a few days. I’m at the Holiday Inn and I was wondering if you’d like to come over tonight, and he gives her the number to his room. Frida screams, Oh my God, oh my God! She runs upstairs and changes into jeans and a tiny t-shirt and takes a shot of something and calls him back. They make plans. We’re happy for her, for sure – it’s Charlie Sheen after all – but we know that she’ll regret it later and we’ll have to hear about it and nobody will be allowed to mention Charlie Sheen for a month unless she brings him up first. Before she heads out the door she says, I know what you’re thinking, so don’t even say it. And I know I’ll never be with him but it will make for a good story to tell my kids someday.

She never had kids. Sometimes when she’s hungover she’ll talk about adopting a kid but none of us encourage her enough for her to do it. When she’s really down she’ll say she misses Charlie Sheen, and it’s the saddest thing any of us have witnessed. When Charlie Sheen is in the news for being a drunk buffoon she’ll say, That’s my boy. Or: He’s angry because he misses me but he knows he can’t come crawling back now because it’s too late and this is his way of acting out.

She said Charlie Sheen called her his mud hen. We were like, What’s a mud hen and why did he call you that? She said it’s because when he made the movie Major League he got into minor league baseball and there’s a team in Toledo called the Mud Hens and one time they were messing around outside of a bar and she got mud on her knees and shoes and although she tried to clean it off in the bar’s bathroom she still tracked it back to the hotel room and the next morning Charlie Sheen saw all this mud on the bed and said, Did I fuck a mud hen last night? And I said, No, you fucked me last night. Well it sure looks like I fucked a mud hen in here. And I guess it’s because I’m in Ohio and the Toledo Mud Hens are in Ohio so he associated me with the team and for the rest of the morning he called me his mud hen. He said I was his sweet little mud hen. Two times. So it’s kind of an inside joke. We have a few inside jokes and pet names, but the other ones are too personal to tell you. Soon after that we got her drunk so she would tell us the other inside jokes. Here’s one: She called Charlie Sheen Shoe Butt because he’d make her wear high heels during sex so she could plug his butt with a heel.

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