The Fox in the Garage Part 13: Say My Name

November 9, 2010

[Linda and Sam are talking on the driveway. Linda is holding Terrence and drinking a beer.]

Linda: SHERYL CROSBY. YOU FUCKED SHERYL FUCKING CROSBY. I can’t believe this.  First Gary and Angie talk things out and then you fuck Sheryl Crosby. I thought we were friends.

Sam: We are friends.

Linda: Friends don’t fuck their friends’ enemies. When did you do it?

Sam: Yesterday.

Linda: Was it good?

Sam: Yes.

Linda: How did you do it? In what ways?

Sam: I’m not telling you that.

Linda: I need to know. If we’re going to be friends, you need to tell me.

Sam: I was on top of her. And then she got on top of me. And that’s it.

Linda: Did she suck your dick?

Sam: No.

Linda: Did you ask her to?

Sam: Yes.

Linda: Why didn’t she?

Sam: She didn’t say.

Linda: Did you ejaculate?

Sam: Yes.

Linda: Did she, you know?

Sam: I don’t think so.

Linda: Did you ask her if she did?

Sam: No.

Linda: Where did you ejaculate?

Sam: Out of my penis of course.

Linda: I mean, did it go inside her, on her face, on her stomach, on your stomach, where?

Sam: It went in a condom that was inside her at the time. Then I threw the condom in the trash can.

Linda: Was it your condom or her condom?

Sam: It was her condom. I don’t carry condoms around with me. I don’t plan on having sex during my route, I’m not that confident.

Linda: Did you check it for holes? She could have poked holes in it so she’d get pregnant and then you’d have to pay child support. Women do that sometimes.

Sam: I didn’t check it for holes.

Linda: Does she say stuff?

Sam: What do you mean?

Linda: Does Sheryl Crosby say stuff during sex? I need to know.

Sam: She said GO GO GO a lot. Like we were racing. Like I was a race horse.

Linda: Did you say stuff?

Sam: I kept quiet. I was so shocked the entire time. I couldn’t speak. She’s a babe, though, the hottest babe I’ve ever had sex with.

Linda: So you’re delivering her mail and she pulls you inside the house and kisses you and then a minute later you’re in her bedroom? That’s how in went down?

Sam: She was waiting outside for me think. I gave her mail and then she said, Come inside. I need to show you something in my fridge. And I said, What is it? She said that there’s some of kind weird fungus in there that she wanted me to check out. We walk into the kitchen and she opens the fridge and a nasty-ass smell comes out of the fridge. I’m like, yeah, something is rotten alright. You should take care of that. And she says, How should I do that? I’m not so hot at cleaning fridges. Can you do it for me? I say that I’m a mailman, not a fridge-cleaner. Cleaning fridges isn’t in my job description, honey. And she says, What is your job description? Only delivering mail? That’s all you can do, deliver mail? I say that sometimes I sort the mail if we’re short staffed at the office. But yeah, I usually just deliver mail all day. Then she grabs my arm and says, That’s all these arms can do? They can only deliver mail? Surely they can do other stuff. Strong arms like these can do all sorts of things. I’m like, yeah, they can do other stuff. They can shoot pool. Ooh, she says, I love pool. She said she always wanted a pool table but her mean daddy never bought one for her. She asks me if I’m mean and I say that sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not. I don’t remember what she said after that but soon we were fucking on the floor next to the stinky fridge. We never made it to the bedroom.

Linda: Who fucks in the kitchen?

Sam: Sheryl Crosby does I guess. Oh, and she asked about you.

Linda: WHAT? What did she say?

Sam: She asked if we were having sex. She said she knows that we’re friends.

Linda: And what did you tell her?

Sam: I told her that we are not having sex. Because we aren’t.

Linda: Hmm. Maybe you should have told her we are.

Sam: Why’s that?

Linda: To mess with her. And so she thinks that you’re a busy man, a man with women, a man that other women want. You don’t want her to think that she’s the only person you’re having sex with. You want her to think that you have women. WOMEN. Plural. Next time you fuck her you can tell her that we fuck sometimes, that’s OK with me.

Sam: I’m not going to tell her that. I think it was a one-time thing.

Linda: Did you get her phone number?

Sam: Yes.

Linda: Did she ask for yours?

Sam: Yes.

Linda: Then it wasn’t a one-time thing. She wants to see you again.

Sam: What should I do?

Linda: Have sex with her again. Duh. And next time you should say stuff. During. Let’s have some fun with her. Say weird stuff.

Sam: Like what?

Linda: I don’t know. Jell-o pudding pop. Say that. Or how about: I’m the mailman and you’re the mailbox.

Sam: That’s cheesy. I like Jell-o pudding pop better.

Linda: What about this: Linda, Linda, oh Linda. That will freak her out too.

Sam: I’m not saying your name.

Linda: Just do it. Say my name. It will be fun. She will think that you love me and then we can mess with her even more. She’ll think that she has to compete with me for you. It’ll be a fun way to pass the time. Life can be so boring sometimes, you know.

Sam: What if I don’t want to mess with her?

Linda: She’s going to mess with you. Trust me. Sheryl Crosby always messes with boys. She messed with this kid Jeremy so bad one summer that he got all religious and never dated any one else until he was twenty and even then the girl he dated was gross-looking. He was aiming low because Sheryl Crosby messed with him so much. If you don’t think she’s going to mess with you then you’re an idiot and you’re asking for it.

Sam: She did send me a text message last night.

Linda: What did it say?

Sam [takes out phone and reads text]: It said, That was really fun we should do it again sometime.

Linda: HA. I told you. It’s starting. She’s messing with you so hard right now.

Sam: You think so?

Linda: Have I ever lied to you before?

Sam: Many times. You are a liar.

Linda: Maybe. But this time I’m for real. Say my name the next time you fuck her and see what happens. She might be mad at you, but at least you’ll have the upper hand. It’s all about having the upper hand. Especially when you’re dealing with someone like Sheryl Crosby. So. Does Sheryl Crosby have a fat pussy or what?

Sam: It’s pretty big, yeah.

Linda: I knew it. Jeremy told me he fell in love with that fat pussy. Mine’s small. Have I told you that?

Sam: No.

Linda: Not too small, though. Gary says it’s perfect.

NEXT: The Fifth Laundromat Hang

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