Dick’s Condition

October 27, 2010

A family friend from Mansfield has an odd condition which he said I could write about as long as I didn’t use his real name so I’ll call him Dick. I’m calling him Dick because the condition affects his dick. The size of Dick’s dick varies greatly depending on his mood and the weather. If he is happy and it’s sunny then his dick will be fully erect and it will measure nine to eleven inches in length and three inches in width. If he is melancholic and it’s raining or snowing then his dick will be limp and it will measure anywhere from one to three inches in length and one inch in width. On days when Dick is happy but the weather is crummy his dick will be five to seven inches long and two inches in width, and it will remain moderately engorged, never erect and never limp. The same goes for when he is unhappy and the weather is agreeable. During tornadoes the size of his dick is unpredictable.

Dick’s fiftieth birthday party in June was a blast. It was hot out but not too hot and we were all drunk. Dick hung out near the bar all night and he would ask anyone who walked by the bar to do a shot of tequila with him. He was wearing the red suspenders and red pants he wears at parties. Around midnight someone turned off the music and gave Dick a microphone and told him to give a speech. He refused. We started a chant: Speech, speech, speech. He said fine and started giving a speech. Thank you all for all coming, he said. It’s an honor to have so many friends here. He thanked his wife Rachel (fake name) for throwing the party. It was a boring speech, and we were bored. But then he dropped the microphone and said, Aaahhh. He keeled over. His hands were on his knees and he was shaking. Was he having a heart attack? A stroke? A woman gasped. Someone said, Are you alright? Dick stood up straight and said that he was fine. He thanked us for coming again and went upstairs. A few minutes later he was back at the bar drinking tequila. He was wearing jeans. Later on we heard that Dick was so happy during his speech that he had ejaculated.

Mansfield winters are long and miserable and Dick tends to be limp-dicked and miserable from late November through early March. Rachel is also miserable in the winter because she enjoys having sex with Dick but he can rarely have sex – the usual way, at least – until mid March. In the spring, summer and fall Dick is a sex maniac. He and Rachel will have sex in the morning and at night and on his lunch break, if he’s feeling well. But in the winter he spends his nights watching television and drinking scotch. He’s stopped trying to mess with his limp dick in the winter. Rachel doesn’t enjoy watching television or watching Dick drink scotch on the couch. So in the winter she goes on dates with men she meets on the internet. If things go well on the date she will have sex with the man. If the man asks about her wedding ring she’ll say, Yes, I am married. But my husband doesn’t care what I do with other men in the winter as long as I dump them in March. So I’m going to have to dump you in March.

In February a doctor proposed that Dick undergo treatment. If the treatment works, he said, the size of your dick would no longer depend on your mood or the weather. It would be like most other dicks. But there was a catch: the doctor said it wouldn’t grow past six inches long and two inches wide and it would no longer be as hard as it is now when Dick is happy and the weather is nice. It would be easier to control but never as powerful as it is on those warm summer nights when Dick is happy about everything and Rachel is waiting for him in bed. Dick thought about it. He would like his dick to be erect when he’s sad and it’s crummy outside. But he would miss that super-long, super-hard dick of his. He would miss how mighty it makes him feel. He loves that dick. So does Rachel. Life wouldn’t be the same without it. So he said, Thanks but no thanks. I’ll stick with my dick. The doctor was surprised. Who would want such an erratic dick? he thought. The doctor has called three times to ask Dick to reconsider but each time Dick has been too busy drinking scotch and watching television to answer the phone. And Rachel has been out with a man she met on the internet.

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