A Swamp Inside A Cave

October 26, 2010

Gary 2: I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I sure as fuck have: the fried fish sandwich at Captain D’s is smaller than it used to be. It’s at least two ounces smaller, and it’s the same price. It’s bullshit. The bun is the same size but the fish patty is smaller. I was in there the other day and I got a fish sandwich and it only took me four bites to finish. Usually it’s a six-bite sandwich. So I was like, something is fucked about this sandwich. It must be smaller. I went up to the girl and said, Did your sandwich get smaller? It sure seems like it. And she said, No, I don’t think so. I asked if she could ask her manager. So she asks the manager. He says that it hasn’t gotten smaller. But I know it has. It’s not just a gut feeling. I know it’s smaller. And the worst part is, I always used to tell people that Captain D’s was way better than Long John Silver’s. There was no debate. The fries are better are Captain D’s, the fish sandwich is better and it’s a better place to hang out overall. Long John Silver’s always has a group of loud black kids, and I don’t want to be racist about it, because it’s not like I don’t like them because they’re black, it’s because they’re loud and the girls always start fighting over who paid for what. They always come in right behind me. This has happened five times, at least. It’s like they follow me around town, waiting for when I want to go Long John Silver’s and then they come in and talk loudly and ruin my meal. These kids shouldn’t be allowed to leave school for lunch anyway. Anyway. The fish sandwich at Captain D’s is smaller and it’s bullshit, right? These companies: they sell use the same shit year after year. It’s all the same ingredients, it’s all just corn syrup made to taste like fish or potatoes, and every year they make it smaller, or they sell us more for way more money than it’s worth. Because their profits have to go up and up every year. It’s Wall Street’s fault too. The guys on Wall Street aren’t happy if the profits stay the same year after year so they make the companies make more and more money. Now, these fast food companies can only sell so much food. There are only so many people on Earth and they can only eat so much. But they find ways of making us pay more for the same amount of food or they charge us the same and make the food smaller, or they they make the food bigger and make us pay more. So we eat more and get fatter and after that the companies will make more money and so will Wall Street and we will need to eat even more because once you’re eating that much day-to-day you need to eat even more to keep yourself full. It’s like crack. Captain D’s is a crack dealer and I’m its best crackhead. I’m its most loyal crackhead. I’m a proselytizing crackhead for Captain D’s. But now that their sandwich is smaller I might have to switch to Long John Silver’s. I’ll deal with those black kids. One day I’ll walk up to them and say, When you’re older you will think back on how you’re behaving right now and you’ll be embarrassed.

Gary 1: Maybe the sandwich isn’t getting smaller. Maybe you’re getting bigger so things look smaller. It’s like when you’re small everything looks bigger. So when you’re big everything looks smaller.

Gary 2: No, dude. The sandwich has gotten smaller. And it’s the same price. Don’t go to Captain D’s. I don’t want to hear that you went there.

Gary 1: I like Captain D’s. I’m still going there.

Gary 2: Don’t do it.

Bartender: Another round?

Gary 1: Yes.

Gary 2: Yes.

Gary 1: So Angie’s back in town. We had a long talk.

Gary 2: Oh boy. Here we go.

Gary 1: Well it wasn’t a talk, really. She wrote me a letter and made me read it in front of her.

Gary 2: What did it say?

Gary 1: It’s private.

Gary 2: Come on. I told you what that dermatologist chick said to me that one time.

Gary 1: Fine. [He pulls the letter out of his pocket. He reads from it:] It said: Gary, I hope you realize that I had to leave for a while to take care of Mom. Part of me wanted you to come with me but part of me didn’t want you to because you have a way of making bad situations worse. I don’t know if you know this but that is the truth.

Gary 2: Did her mom die?

Gary 1: No.

Gary 2: Is she going to?

Gary 1: Maybe not. Anyway. [reading from letter:] But now that I am back in town I want to be with you again. My heart wants to be with your heart. I think we have some things to work through but I am excited to work through them with you, together. One of them is that you need to grow up. You are twenty-six years old and you behave like you’re nineteen. You need to get a job that will support us and our family. You need to wear clothes that aren’t ridiculous-looking. And you need to stop calling women bitches. For example, I don’t like it when you call Oprah and Rachel Ray a bitch. I like Oprah and Rachel Ray. They are not bitches. I think you are calling them bitches because they are rich women and you are not a rich man and you don’t want women to be richer than you are. I know you have potential. You just have to work hard at something. When we talked on the phone and you told me about the Michigan football video you wanted to make I became upset, but I didn’t say so at the time. This video is the sort of thing you shouldn’t be doing. This is what children do, not grown men. You won’t make any money from the video. And anyways, it’s very sexist. You know that I am not some crazy feminist person but I can’t have a boyfriend who thinks boys wouldn’t go to a college because the women there are fat and ugly. I know that I have things to work through too. I am not perfect. For one, I need to be more patient with you. These changes of yours will not happen overnight. They will take time. But I’m willing to wait. Our love is worth it. I hope you feel the same way. Love, Angie.

Gary 2: Maaan. This is what I’m talking about. Men can’t be men anymore. So help me God if you don’t make the video anymore because Angie doesn’t want you to.

Gary 1: We’ll see.

Gary 2: Don’t give me that. Don’t say, we’ll see. We’re making the video.

Gary 1: We’ll see.

Gary 2: You’re not actually going to get back with her, are you? Aren’t you with Burger King now?

Gary 1: Linda. You can’t call her Burger King anymore. You can’t call a girl by the goofy name you gave her when you first met her after you’ve been dating for a month. And that’s the thing. I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to choose.

Gary 2: Want me to help you choose?

Gary 1: Not really.

Gary 2: I’m going to anyway. Choose Linda. She’s sooo much cooler. She loves you for who you are. She’s not trying to make you into something else.

Gary 1: Not yet. Give her a few more months and she’ll be all like, When are you going to law school? Why don’t you make dinner sometimes? You shouldn’t eat hamburgers for breakfast. That kind of stuff. That’s what Angie says and I know that Linda will start saying it too.

Gary 2: Maybe you should dump both of them and find a ladybot to run around with.

Gary 1: Maybe I should. Maybe I’ll try to get back with Josephine.

Bartender: Another round, gents?

Gary 1: Yes.

Gary 2: Yes. Tell me more about Josephine’s vagina.

Gary 1: There’s a gooey nub that pulsates against your tip.

Gary 2: You’ve already told me that.

Gary 1: There are feathery pads that buff the sides of your dick. And it’s warm in there. It’s like a swamp inside a cave in there. A bear could hibernate in there.

NEXT: Do We Need Cynar? 9

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