Who Let The Dogs Out? Woof, Woof, Woof, Woof

September 24, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men. There is a tire iron on the bar next to Gary 1’s drink.

Gary 1: Did you hear about the hangbot who wouldn’t leave Denny’s? It was in the papers. It’s crazy. He said he wanted to have a permanent Denny’s hang. It’s open 24 hours so he thought he could stay there forever, ordering coffees and waters and playing hacky sack outside. He doesn’t have a job, of course, so what’s stopping him? During the fifth day of his hang Denny’s employees called the cops. This hangbot must be especially stupid. When the cops came and said he had to leave, the hangbot still wouldn’t go. According to the story he said, Hey, let’s all hang here for a while. I love a good policeman hang. And he tried to play with a cop’s gun. The cop was not amused and he tased him. As he was being tased the hangbot said, Aw man, I just hanging. I was just hanging!

Gary 2: Effing hangbots. You should have showed up and beat him with your tire iron. How many hangbots have you dealt with so far?

Gary 1: Only one.

Gary 2: What happened?

Gary 1: Last night I was at Darryl’s dad’s house, and it was me and Darryl’s dad and a hangbot named Opie playing cricket and drinking. It was a bad hang from the get-go. Every time it was my turn Opie would say woof woof to try to distract me. And if I landed something good, like a triple whatever, then Opie would say, Who let the dogs out? ‘Member that song? Sometimes he would sing it too: [singing] Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof. Talk about a bummer and a half. At one point I said, Opie, cut that out. What are you trying to do? Annoy the hell out of us? And you know what he said? I’ve had that song stuck in my head for ten years and I can’t get it out. But I think if I sing it all the time then one day it will leave my brain. I said, How do you still have that song in your head? And Opie said, I don’t know. I used to listen to it a lot when it came out and now I’m paying for it. Dearly. I saw a doctor about it, he was a head doctor, and he said I should drink more, that the drinking would help me get rid of it. So I drink all the time, but it’s still there: woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof. He said he thinks about that song when he’s playing darts; he thinks about it when he’s doing it with a ladybot; he thinks about it when he’s dreaming; and he thinks about it when he’s shitting. The only time the song isn’t in his head is when he’s fighting someone.

Gary 2: I see where this is going.

Gary 1: So I said, That’s interesting. If you need someone to fight up, it would be my pleasure. I’m actually Dayton’s unofficial hangbot sheriff. And I pointed to the tire iron, which was leaning up against the wall. I make sure hangbots behave themselves, and if you keep singing that song while I’m throwing darts, you might just get that song out of your head for good. And then Darryl’s dad said he didn’t want any fights: Let’s just have good clean hang, please. So long story short, Darryl’s dad whooped us. It was sorry. He won three matches in a row. Having a dartboard in your basement is an obvious advantage. By midnight I was pretty drunk and needed food so I said I wanted to go to Skyline. So me and Opie drive to Skyline, the one near I-70. We’re eating coneys and no one’s saying anything and it’s weird because he knows that I would love to kick the shit out of him. And shit, I really want to. It would be my first hangbot beating. I was psyched. And then the weirdest thing happened. Do you know Cody, that hangbot?

Gary 2: The one that works at Teddy’s Laundromat?

Gary 1: Yeah. He’s always wearing that t-shirt that says LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD and sometimes he has beads in his hair like he just back from Jamaica.

Gary 2: I know him. One time in Darryl’s dad basement we talked about Little Feat for two hours. That guy’s OK with me.

Gary 1: So in walks Cody with his arm around Josephine. The hybridbot. MY hybridbot. The one with the wondrous vagina.

Gary 2: You never told me about her vagina.

Gary 1: Oh man, that’s right. OK, so real quick, then I’ll get back to the story: think of a regular girl’s vagina. From the outside, that’s what it looks like. But once you’re inside it’s a whole different ballgame. There are these tiny mechanisms, gooey machines, that vibrate and rotate and work your knob. There’s a flap that opens ever so slightly and sucks you in, and it’s like you’re on a spaceship and you’re in an air-tight room, that’s how snug you are. On the sides there are soft and foamy buffers that polish your dick. I’m telling you man, it’s a heavenly box, that’s for sure. And once I was in all the way I could feel a small pulsating nub against my tip. It’s a funhouse in there. As much as I hate hangbots, those scientists did something right when they made Josephine’s vagina. So anyway, in walks Cody with Josephine. Now I could give a rat’s. Hangbots are part of the journey, not the destination. But Opie breaks down, head in hands, red-faced, it’s a full-on sob. So I say, hey buddy, what’s wrong? Josephine, he says. She’s over there with some hangbot. I can’t take it. I just can’t take it. Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof woof, woof. Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof woof, woof. Turns out, they went out for a few months and it ended badly. Real badly. I swear, he sang that shit maybe four times. I say, Whatever you have to do, buddy. I’m sorry. The worst part was, Cody and Josephine sat at the booth directly behind us, and they’re cuddling and kissing and Cody’s making her laugh and he’s petting her hair and feeding her coneys. Meanwhile, Opie has his face in his coney and his whimpering, Woof, woof, woof, woof. It was a sad scen.

Gary 2: So, did you beat his ass?

Gary 1: I’m getting to that. I asked him if he wanted me too. I said it would get his mind off the song and off Josephine. Now, I didn’t say that I had had Josephine, too. Seems like every dude and hangbot in town has been in her funhouse. That would’ve only made things worse. But I did say that he could do a lot better. I said he should shoot for a human someday and that I knew a few human ladies who would love to take him out. He said he didn’t want to do better. He wanted to do Josephine, again and again and again, for a week, until he destroyed those tiny machines in her pussy. Then he wanted to reach into her pussy rip out the gooey machines and eat them in front of Cody and any other hangbot who had fucked her. He was very upset. I tried to console him. I said, hey, how about we go out back and I kick the shit out of you? He asked if I thought that would makes things better. I said definitely.

Gary 2: You’re good at this stuff.

Gary 1: My mom was always falling in and out of love so I’ve been there before. So we go out back. We’re standing near the dumpster, and it reeks, and I’m thinking, Is this really how I spend my time now? This is it what it’s like to be in my twenties? Beating up lovesick hangbots behind a Skyline? He asks if he should do anything, if he should fight back. And I say, no, just stand still. Don’t move. And I hit him in the face, right in the eye to be more specific, and there’s blood everywhere. And that was it.

Gary 2: Just one punch?

Gary 1: That’s all he needed. He was crying like a babybot. I asked if he wanted to back inside and finish his coney and he was like, yeah, I do. I grab a few napkins from the counter wipe blood off his face. By then, Cody and Josephine had left, which made him feel alright.

Gary 2: Effing hangbots. They are such emotional wrecks. And so over-sexed. Oh man, did you hear that the state is now letting ladybots collect welfare? If they have kids. It doesn’t matter if the kid is all bot or half human and half bot. When you buy a gallon of gasoline for a hundred dollars, some of those taxes are going towards a babybot’s new skateboard. How does that make you feel, Mr. Sherriff?

Gary 1: This country is begging for people like us to take over and run shit the right way.

NEXT: You Can’t Un-Call The Cops



Comments are closed.