The Fox in the Garage Part 10: The Second Worst Thing You Did to Me

August 26, 2010

[Luke parks his car in Linda’s driveway. A white streak runs across the front door. Luke steps out. He has a baseball bat in his hand. Linda approaches him.]

Luke: Where’s this fox?

Linda: Hi.

Luke: Oh hello there.

Linda: Thanks for coming over. I’ve been trying to kill it but he’s so quick. He’s chewed my hoses to oblivion.

Luke: What do you need hoses for anyway? You don’t have any plants to water.

Linda: I know but it’s nice to have a functioning hose in the house, that’s all.

Luke: Maybe that fox did you a favor. Maybe those hoses were just taking up space. Look at all this crap you got in the garage. You’re living like one of those hoarders on TV who hoards garbage in the attic.

Linda: Why are we arguing already? [she looks at his car] What happened there? Did you swipe something?

Luke: Looks like it. Sometimes when I pull out of the garage I scrape the side of the thingy, no big whoop.

Linda: I know why you scrape the side of the thingy.

Luke: And why’s that?

Linda: Don’t worry about it. So let’s get to it. [they walk in the garage] The fox usually hangs out near the litterbox but today’s he’s been MIA so we’ll have to hunt for him. [in British accent:] It’ll be a fox hunt, like we’re British.

Luke: You know what I think? I think there are two foxes in this garage.

Linda: No, there’s only one.

Luke: Nah, I can sense it. There’s definitely two.

Linda: If we see two, then we see two. But let’s just concentrate on getting the first one.

Luke: Wait. It’s really close. I can smell it. Don’t move.

Linda: How can you smell it?

Luke: Don’t move. Shh. Don’t say anything. [he grabs her by the hair.] Got it. What should I do with it?

Linda: Let me go. You’re crazy.

Luke: Get it? Because you’re a fox. A foxy lady.

Linda: You need to keep those thoughts to yourself, mister.

Luke: Have I ever told you how much I like it when you when you put your hair up like that? Because then I can see your face. You used to cover your face all the time. Why was that? Did you think you weren’t pretty or something? If that’s why then you used to be crazy because you were the prettiest girl in school.

Linda: Hey mister, you should keep those thoughts to yourself. Did you come over here to kill a fox or to get in my pants? Don’t answer that. You had five years to say all that stuff and you never did and now you come over all drunk and start calling me a fox? That’s not fair.

Luke: Easy, foxy.

Linda: I’m with Gary now and if he heard you calling me a fox he’d come over here with his tire iron and I don’t know what would happen but it wouldn’t be pretty.

Luke: Come here. Why did we break up anyway? It’s so stupid to stop seeing someone over small shit. Come here. Are you still mad at me because I owe you money for Wendy’s? Because I can pay you back.

Linda: You owe me for the ketchup too. The ketchup was two dollars and eighty cents. I don’t know how much the Wendy’s was, but let’s say five bucks. So you owe me seven eighty. But that’s not what I’m mad about. I’m mad because I asked you to come over here to kill this fox and now you’re getting all love-y love-y on me and I just can’t deal with it. I don’t really care about the ketchup. I did care about the time you said I should let Devin Jeffers put his hand up my shirt because he hadn’t felt a boob since 2001. And I’ll always be mad at myself for letting him do it. That was pathetic.

Luke: Devin Jeffers. Man. I wonder what he’s up to right now.

Linda: And while we’re on the subject, do you remember the time I drove you to buy pot from that girl in Oakwood and I waited outside while you went in and got it? And it took a half an hour because you said she had a hard time finding baggies and she had to break it up. I knew you were lying. I knew you guys got high and did it. Or, if you didn’t do it then you at least did stuff because it doesn’t take a half an hour to break up an eighth of pot and put it in baggies. You did stuff with her while I waited in the car. And then I drove you home and you did stuff with me even though I said I didn’t want to.

Luke: I don’t have anything to say about that day. I was in a weird mood.

Linda: Were you in a weird mood the time we were hanging with the dudes in that other dude’s pool? And you said it’d be cool if I swam around naked and then I did it, because whatever, but then you and the dudes took my clothes and hid them in your car. So I had to put those paper plates over my shit and go in that dude’s house. I didn’t even know him and I had to ask his little sister if I could borrow a shirt and shorts. That was the second worst thing you did to me. Do you remember that?

Luke: I do. That was pretty mean, I guess. But we were kids.

Linda: We weren’t kids when you did the other thing. The worst thing.

Luke: I’ve apologized for that so many times. And I was drunk. You can’t blame a man for stuff he does when he’s drunk.

Linda: Doesn’t matter. I still think about it a lot.

Luke: Let’s find that fox.

Linda: You’re not gonna find him. You’re too drunk.

Luke: I’m just the right amount of drunk to kill a fox. If I were sober I wouldn’t have the balls to hunt a fox with a baseball bat.

[Luke walks over to the litterbox and says hi to Terrence. He walks in a circle, lifting up a rake and a boogie board. He kicks a basketball out of the way and says Here, foxy foxy and swings the bat. He lights a cigarette and turns to Linda and says:]

Luke: I don’t see it.

Linda: He goes away sometimes. Maybe he’s out right now.

Luke: How about you call me when he’s back in the garage and I’ll come back and take care of him for you?

Linda: I don’t know if you should come by anymore.

Luke: Why’s that?

Linda: Just ’cause. I’ll ask Gary.

Luke: Because you’re afraid I might try something. And you might like it. Something like this.

[And he grabs her hair and pulls her head to his and kisses her. She pulls away and says:]

Linda: Goddammit! I’m telling Sarah. This is bullshit, you know that? You are asking for it. Big time. You are so asking for it.

Luke: It’s your fault for looking so hot today. I can’t help it. I’m going to go now.

[He gets in the car and drives away. Linda walks back in the garage and picks up Terrence. They have a cuddle. She sings a few lines of “April Anne” by John Phillips:]

Linda: April Anne, with a red bandana ’round your head. Pretty Anne, with a peacock-feathered fan said that the sash around your waist had turned to lead. And your jingle-jagged faggot friend was dead. [talking to Terrence now:] Now, this song is from an album called John, the Wolfking of L.A. Grandma said that album is the only good thing to ever come from California. Out there everyone is either too high up in the mountains, too close to the water, or they’re delusional winos, she’d always say. Grandma lived in Los Angeles for a year. She calls it the year she lived in gypsy hell. [singing again:] And the wine we spilled, it stained your pillows red. And the midnight cowboys came and quickly fled. Oh, the whole thing was bringing her down.

NEXT: This Is A Screwdriver. You Can Open Things With It

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