The Third Hang At The Other Laundromat

August 24, 2010

[Teddy and C.O.D.Y the Robot Who Hangs Out are standing near the counter.]

CODY: So then Darryl’s dad says, If you can land two triple 20s in a row, I’ll shotgun this warm Stroh’s I found in the kitchen. If you don’t land any triple 20s, you have to shotgun it. If you only land one then nobody shotguns it. So I’m like, Yeah, let’s do this. I focus. I get my arm parallel to the floor and I line up my eye with the flights and I line up the flights with the triple 20. I release and, boom, triple 20. Darryl’s dad’s like, Effing hangbots, you dudes were programmed to be better than humans at parlor games. And a lot of people think that about me, but it’s not true. I had to work for my darts skills. So I line up my the next dart. I’m relaxed and focused. And I release. Boom, it scrapes the first dart’s flights and lands right inside the wire for another triple 20. Darryl’s dad is so pissed, but he doesn’t say anything. He takes out his Bowie knife and cuts a hole in the can of Stroh’s and shotguns it, and he fucks it up so all this warm Stroh’s spills down his shirt. He was so pissed.

TEDDY: How often do you dudes play darts?

CODY: Just about every night. You should come hang sometime.

TEDDY: I will. Can I bring this lady I’ve been seeing?

CODY: Of course. Bring any lady you want.

TEDDY: Well, she’s not really a lady. More like a ladybot.

CODY: Niiice. You pulled a ladybot?

TEDDY: I did. Well, she’s not a ladybot either. She’s a hybridbot. She has some human parts. Ovaries. Tubes. And some other stuff.

CODY: A hybridbot, eh? I haven’t seen one of those since I was back in the lab. Is she cool to hang with?

TEDDY: It’s the best hanging I’ve ever had.

CODY: Where’d you meet her?

TEDDY: It’s a weird story. So one night I’m walking home from the bar and I realize I’m starving so I stop in a Skyline and get some Coneys. While I’m eating I see this gorgeous woman come in by herself and sit down at a table. She’s wearing short jeans shorts and a small tank top; it was so small you could see her bellybutton. Now, I’m sauced. Like, about-to-shit-my-pants drunk. But the Coneys give me some energy and I walk over to her table and sit down next to her.

CODY: That’s bold.

TEDDY: I know, right? She’s like, Can I help you? And I say, Hey, I’m Teddy. I live around here. Or something like that. I just bought this new skillet so I’ve been testing it a lot but I need someone to tell me how good it works. Can I make you eggs tomorrow morning and then you’ll tell me how good they are? And she says, I love eggs. Yes, I’ll do it, sounds fun. She was game. I couldn’t believe it. So then I say, and this was the crucial line, I say, Should I give you call tomorrow or should I wake you up when they’re ready?

CODY: Very bold.

TEDDY: I know. So I say that. And she doesn’t say anything for a moment and it’s weird. Here’s where shit goes badly: I get foggy from all the booze and I must have passed out because the next thing I know we’re in the women’s bathroom and she’s washing chili off my face. I’m like, What happened? She says that I put my head down in her Coney and made a mess all over myself. I passed out and got chili on my face while picking up this girl. So she asks me how I’m getting home. I say I’m walking. She says that I won’t make it alone so she walks me out of the Skyline and we walk all the way back to my place. It must’ve been a mile or so. And I vomited twice, once behind a Rax and again all over the post office.

CODY: But how do you remember what you said if you were about-to-shit-your-pants drunk?

TEDDY: She told me all this later.

CODY: I see. That was nice of her to walk you home.

TEDDY: What she did to me the next morning was even nicer. If you know what I mean.

CODY: Niiice. Did you make her eggs?

TEDDY: No. I don’t even own a skillet. That’s the best part. She ran out and bought us McDonald’s and came back and we ate it while watching golf. It was really fun. Then we had more sex. Do you wanna hear about it? What it’s like?

CODY: What what’s like?

TEDDY: Inside a hybridbot. It’s different than a human. Very different.

CODY: I guess I’ll listen if you wanna tell me.

TEDDY: I’m gonna tell you, but don’t tell her that I told you. OK?

CODY: OK.

TEDDY: Inside a hybridbot… it’s … like nothing you’ve ever experienced before. It’s hard to explain but I’ll try my best. Think of a regular human girl. That’s what it looks like on the outside. Now imagine if she had a few tiny parts in there and they all moved. Tiny soft machines. They don’t move at random but rather in a neat rhythm determined by the hybridbot. It’s like putting your dick in a tiny car wash with foamy flaps and fuzzy buffers. When you first enter it there’s a wide flap that drags on the top of your dick. Next there are two plush buffers on the sides and those feel great, too. After that there’s a vibrating spongy ring you put you dick in and at the very end there’s a small nub that pulsates on your tip. It’s like when you go into Sharper Image and sit in one of those massage chairs. But this chair is warm and soggy, and it’s not your entire body that’s getting massaged; it’s just your dick. And a hybridbot can close her shit super-tight so you can’t get out. Like a female dog can. Ever heard of that? When dogs fuck the male dog sometimes gets stuck and he’ll have to tug and tug until he can get it out?

CODY: I’ve never heard of that.

TEDDY: If the hybridbot wants to, she can do that. Mine did that. But I didn’t mind it because at the time I wanted to spend the rest of my life in there. Josephine did this thing – that’s her name, Josephine – when she made it really wide and sucked in all my junk, the whole thing, and gave it a scrub by moving her parts real fast.

CODY: Sounds scary. I just like hanging with the regular ones

TEDDY: You would say that. But listen. I could probably talk Josephine into hanging with you. And then you’ll see what I mean. You haven’t lived until you’ve hung out with a hybridbot. Hybridbot hangs are the only hangs I’m into now.

CODY: Drag. What about darts hangs at Darry’ls dad’s house? You said you would come hang.

TEDDY: I’m into those hangs too, Cody.

CODY: Niiice.

NEXT: The Fox in the Garage Part 10: The Second Worst Thing You Did to Me

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