The Hangbot Sheriff

August 20, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men. There is a tire iron on the bar next to Gary 1’s drink.

Gary 1: It was the best weapon I could find in my dad’s garage.

Gary 2: It’s super-rusty.

Gary 1: I’ll wear gloves then. No big whoop.

Gary 2: So what’s your plan? You’re gonna go around town beating up hangbots?

Gary 1: No, man. I’m not going on a rampage. It’s just in case I see a hangbot doing something… something bad. The cops just look the other way. Somebody’s got to keep shit real.

Gary 2: What do hangbots do that’s bad?

Gary 1: Noise pollute, for one. A lot of them play music loudly while they’re hanging out. And they hang out with girls and corrupt them and then don’t call them back.

Gary 2: You hang out with girls and corrupt them and don’t call them back.

Gary 1: Not anymore. I’ve got a lady now. I’m done hanging out.

Gary 2: Who? Burger King?

Gary 1: Her name is Linda, and we’re giving it a shot I think.

Gary 2: How many times have you hung out with her?

Gary 1: Three.

Gary 2: Woah. You’re settling down with a girl you’ve hung out with three times?

Gary 1: Why keep hanging out with other girls when you know you want to hang out with one?

Gary 2: I guess that makes sense. So what you’re saying is, you’re done hunting trim and now you’re gonna hunt hangbots?

Gary 1: I’m not hunting hangbots. I’m keeping shit real. I’m gonna be Dayton’s unofficial hangbot sheriff. You want in? You want to be my deputy?

Gary 2: What would I have to do?

Gary 1: First you’d have to get a tire iron, or another weapon. No guns. And nothing weird, like a Samurai sword.

Gary 2: How about a putter?

Gary 1: A driver would be better.

Gary 2: I’ll see what I can do.

Gary 1: And then you gotta come with me when I go on patrol.

Gary 2: Where are you gonna patrol?

Gary 1: Downtown. Carillon Park. The Oregon District. Wherever hangbots are hassling people.

Gary 2: You think you could take a hangbot?

Gary 1: I’m sure I can.

Gary 2: What if the scientists made them really strong? That ladybot I got with wasn’t a dainty lady. She was cut.

Gary 1: Every hangbot I’ve met has been a pussy. And hangbots don’t carry weapons so I’ll be fine.

Gary 2: What if you get jumped by a pack of hangbots?

Gary 1: That’s why I’ll need my deputy. For back up.

Gary 2: I’ll consider it. How often are you gonna go out on patrol?

Gary 1: Whenever I’m not hanging out with Linda or drinking here.

Gary 2: Alright. I’m considering it.

Gary 1: I asked Linda if she wanted to help too and she said she’d make badges. She’s very talented.

Gary 2: Oh? Is that why you’re hanging out with her, because she’s good with her hands?

Gary 1: No. Not only that. She’s funny and she has a cool cat and she’s kinda like a whatever girl.

Gary 2: What’s a whatever girl?

Gary 1: A whatever girl is a girl who’s whatever about everything. She doesn’t hassle me about shit. She never says I can’t go out and hunt trim, but I’m not going to anyway. And she just takes shit as it comes. There’s no drama with her. Her effing house burned down and she’s been living in the garage but she’s been pretty whatever about it.

Gary 2: How did her house burn down?

Gary 1: She says a fox did it. She says there’s a fox living in the garage but every time I go over I never see it. She’s a little crazy. But the crazy ones are always crazy in the sack too.

Gary 2: Oh yeah? You guys do weird shit?

Gary 1: Oh yeah. She’s also whatever about TV. She lets me watch what I want to watch. Angie was always putting on the Bachelor or the local news or some shit.

Gary 2: Well that’s good. Maybe I’ll find myself a whatever girl. Does Linda have any whatever friends?

Gary 1: I don’t think so. All her friends are dudes and they’re not really her friends anymore because they’re friends with her ex-boyfriend. But I’ll ask.

NEXT: The Third Hang At The Other Laundromat

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