I Wish Dexter Would Shit Like That

August 11, 2010

Little Ann’s poops have become a problem. It’s because Ann weaned him off Lunchables. She says all the artificial gunk they put in there was killing him. Now she’s feeding him apple sauce and bananas and tuna, and it’s giving him wretched poops. They’re big black clots. Neither runny nor solid; right in the middle in terms of consistency, like Nickelodeon Gak, only black. When I change him — and it seems like I’m ALWAYS the one who’s changing him – it gets under my fingernails and on my wrist. It gets on Little Ann’s hands and he spreads it around the apartment. I’ve found black on the coffee table and on the oven handle. Our Netflix movies are often returned with black on the corners. One time, an hour after I’d changed him, I was brushing my teeth and when I looked in the mirror I spotted a smear of black on my chin.

Before Ann changed his diet, his poops were compact turds the size of gherkins. These were beautiful turds. I miss them so much. The poops were so adorable that I took pictures of his dirty diaper once and posted them.  Friends I hadn’t spoken to in years praised them in the comments:

-show off!

-gorgeous poo!

-you must be so proud.

-i wish dexter would shit like that.

-That a boy. I’m coming to nyc in october. we should hang.

After biting into an apple with a black spot on it I was like, fuck it, and started keeping a stash of Lunchables under the bed. When Ann’s not around Little Ann will eat Lunchables. His stool will be hardened. It might break up his parents, but it will be hardened. And while I realize I’m putting my sanity before his health, the kid was tied up in a closet for ten years, so the way I see it, anything’s an improvement. And he loves Lunchables. When I unwrap one he says Lunchable! and takes over unwrapping duties and then eats the stack of ham in one bite. Next up: the cheese. He eats the cheese one slice at a time, sometimes on a cracker and sometimes not. Then he eats the rest of the crackers. Crumbs will go everywhere and he’ll say crumbs as if he were saying aw shucks. It’s pretty awesome. He’ll let me have a cracker or two if he’s feeling charitable.

It’s good for fathers and sons to have a thing to do together, and if our thing is eating contraband food, then so be it.

I changed him this morning and the poops were still black, and still clot-y, but less runny. Less like Gak and more like a gooey baked yam. (Yes, I am squishing his shit between my fingers to test it.) So, the Lunchables are working. His poops will never return to the praiseworthy turds of the past, but that’s OK. Being a parent means seeing your small victories as big victories, and if I can harden Little Ann’s poops only a little, then I will have won.

NEXT: She Took Her Time And Taught Me A Lot About Myself

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