The Second Hang At The Other Laundromat

August 6, 2010

[C.O.D.Y. The Robot Who Hangs Out and Teddy stand near the counter.]

TEDDY: Let’s try the greeting again. Look me in the eye when you talk this time.

CODY: Hi. My name is Cody. How can I help you, man?

TEDDY. Not bad. But don’t say man at the end. And don’t wink. Ever. Go again.

CODY: Hi, my name is Cody. How can I help you?

TEDDY: Better. Now let’s have a conversation. Pretend I’m a customer.

CODY: Hello, customer. Welcome to Teddy’s L. Mat. How may I help you?

TEDDY: Stop. Don’t actually call the customers customer. And although I call it the L. Mat, don’t call it that in front of customers. It’s off-putting. Go again.

CODY: Hello and welcome. How can I help you?

TEDDY: The machine ate my quarters. Can I borrow two from you? I’ll pay you back, I swear.

CODY: Sure, man. [CODY opens cash register and takes out two quarters and gives them to TEDDY.] Here you go.

TEDDY: Thanks! And… stop. You failed. Never give out money. Never. We take their money. We don’t loan them money. We’re an L. Mat, not a bank.

CODY: But our machine ate his quarters, and he said he’d pay us back.

TEDDY: He was lying. These machines are perfect. They don’t eat quarters. And if they do, fuck it. That’s the customer’s shit to shovel. Not yours. If you’re gonna work here you’re gonna have to adopt my mantra: Fuck it. Say it with me.

CODY: Fuck. It.

TEDDY: Fuck it.

CODY: Fuck it.

TEDDY: Nice. And did you really think I was going to pay you back?

CODY: You said you were going to.

TEDDY: Oh, Cody. People say things they don’t mean all the time. Especially to get free stuff. Fuck it. If you believe everything these customers say then word will spread that there’s a suckerbot working at Teddy’s L. Mat and folks from all over will start coming here just to walk all over you.

CODY: Folks will come here to hang with me?

TEDDY: They wouldn’t come to hang. They’d come to hustle. You always have to watch out because some people will hang with you just to hustle you.

CODY: Drag.

TEDDY: Like this one girl I was hanging with, Angie. At first she was great. But then she became a gremlin. We hung out for three years and then one day I told her that I didn’t want a girlfriend and she stole my amplifier.

CODY: You’re a musician?

TEDDY: I was until that gremlin stole my amplifier.

[LINDA enters the L. Mat carrying Terrence. She opens a dryer. It’s empty. She opens another dryer. It’s empty, too. She becomes upset. She opens all the dryers that aren’t drying clothes and they’re all empty. She becomes very upset.]

LINDA: What the fuck?

[She walks over to the counter.]

LINDA: Do you work here?

CODY: Kind of.

TEDDY: I do. Is there a problem?

LINDA: Yeah. There’s a huge problem. My clothes are gone. This morning I washed my clothes and then I came back and put them in the dryer. Well, it took two dryers ‘cause I had so much. And then I went out for lunch and now all my clothes are gone.

TEDDY: Are you sure?

LINDA: Yes I’m sure. And it’s practically all the clothes I own. Maybe you took them out to make room for other people’s clothes? Tell me you did that.

TEDDY: We don’t do that here.

CODY: Maybe you took them to the other laundromat and you got confused.

LINDA: I didn’t take them to the other laundromat. I definitely took them here.

CODY: How about I check the machines for you?

LINDA: I just checked all of them but if you want to, go for it.

[CODY quickly checks each machine. Each time he opens one and sees that it’s empty he says drag. He returns to the counter and says:]

CODY: Drag. Your clothes aren’t here. I’m sorry.

TEDDY: I can take down your name and number, and if we find unclaimed clothes, I’ll call you. [Teddy grabs a pen and piece of paper.]

LINDA: OK. My name is Linda Lauper and my number is 937-555-5555. God dammit, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I only have like two shirts and two pairs of underwear and the pants I’m wearing.

CODY: You can have my shirt. [He starts taking off his shirt.]

LINDA: Thanks, but that’s OK. Oh fuck fuck fuck! My work shirts were in there. My boss is gonna be so pissed. Do you think someone could have stolen them?

TEDDY: I doubt it. We’ve never had a theft here. Well, this one time a hangbot stole another hangbot’s bandana collection. But no human-to-human theft.

LINDA: I mean, you were here all day, right? Did you see anyone come in and take a shitload of clothes out of two dryers?

TEDDY: No.

LINDA: If you don’t find them, is there any way you could reimburse me? You’re supposed to watch these clothes, right?

TEDDY: Look. I don’t know what to tell you. This is exactly why we have the sign. [He points to a sign that reads: We are not liable for lost, stolen or damaged clothing.]

[Linda starts to cry. Terrence isn’t doing well either.]

CODY: Hey, don’t get all bummed on me. I’ll find your clothes.

LINDA: You will?

TEDDY: We can’t make any guarantees.

CODY: I’ll try to.

LINDA: Thanks. What’s your name?

CODY: Cody. C.O.D.Y. It stands for come on down ya’ll. Like, come on down ya’ll and hang with Cody for a while.

LINDA: Niiice.

CODY: Here. [He hands her the pen and paper.] Make a list of your clothes so we know what to look for.

LINDA: God, it’s so much. But I can think of a few items. My pink cardigan, my Ekoostik Hookah T-shirt, three pairs of Old Navy jeans, a blue hoodie that says I HEART MY DUDES on it. These dudes I used to hang with made it for me. My Little Feat T-shirt.

CODY: You like Little Feat?

LINDA: Uh, they’re only my fourth favorite band.

CODY: Niiice. I think this list-making hang could use some tunes. ["Feats Don't Fail Me Now" by Little Feat blasts from Cody.]

TEDDY: Fucking hangbots. I’ll be in the back if you need me. [and he leaves.]

LINDA: Let’s see, what else? White socks. A lot of them. Two Aéropostale T-shirts. One has a surfboard on it but I forget what the other one has on it. Maybe an old truck. A black skirt from Bebe. [And on and on and on.]

NEXT: I Wish Dexter Would Shit Like That

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