The Nimbus Knot

Before I teach you how to tie knots you need to wash up. So go wash up. But wait. Before you wash up you’ll need to take off that catcher’s mitt. Who taught you how to play catch? Not me. I know how to teach two things: knots and kissing, and you’re too young to learn kissing so I’m gonna teach you knots. But first go wash up.

[two minutes later]

Your hands are clean enough. They’re not clean enough to kiss but that is not a problem because you’re not learning kissing. You’re learning knots. You’re learning the Nimbus Knot today and you’re hands don’t need to be very clean to learn such a basic knot.

You should know that this is a boy’s knot. Not a man’s knot. So once you learn it don’t go around the playground thinking you’re a man.

Step 1: Take the rope into your left hand. Christ, son. Make the letter L with both of your thumbs and pointer fingers and whichever hand makes the letter L that’s not backwards is your left hand. Hmm. Looks like I’m teaching you leftsies and rightsies in addition to the Nimbus Knot. Two fer one. Lucky boy, you.

Step 2: Make the rope into a circle but leave some left over. We’re gonna call that leftover tail the Nimbus.

Step 3: Take the Nimbus in your teeth and bite down hard. Hard enough to split the Nimbus lengthwise. This will hurt your teeth but your knot won’t be a true Nimbus Knot if you don’t use your teeth to split it. Now do it. Do it with yer eyes closed and think of swimming in the ocean if it helps dull the pain. SPLIT THAT NIMBUS.

Good work. I tremble with pridefulness.

Step 4: The part of the rope you just split is called the Split Nimbus. Slide the part of the rope that isn’t part of the Split Nimbus into the Split Nimbus. Step 4 is the easiest step and yet people always struggle with it the most. I wonder why. It’s probably because people approach the easiest things in life without any trepidation and the hardest things with mucho trepidation. I always fuck up sledding, and it’s so easy.

You’re not doing it right. Slide the rope into the Split Nimbus. That is NOT the Split Nimbus. THAT part of the rope is what’s known as the Folly Trail. I didn’t tell you earlier that that part is called the Folly Trail because you don’t need to know what the Folly Trail is to make a Nimbus Knot but now that you’ve slid the part of the rope that isn’t the Split Nimbus into the Folly Trail it seems appropriate to alert you to the fact that that part is called the Folly Trail. Or is it called the Fool’s Tail? Or the Tally Fail? Folly Trail, Fool’s Tail, Tally Fail: doesn’t matter what. You fucked up the easiest part. Like I knew you would. And now we need a new rope.

Go get one outta the shed.

Not THAT shed; that’s the kissing shed. The other shed. My rope shed.