All This Nonsense Started When They Stopped Letting Cigarettes Advertise On TV

July 19, 2010

GARY 2 sits at the bar drinking a gin and tonic. His unfortunate clothes indicate that he is not a busy or vital man. He is talking to the bartender:

GARY 2: Now hold on. I don’t think destroying them is the answer. But maybe we could round ‘em up and put them somewhere.

Bartender: Like Indiana.

GARY 2: Now you’re talking.

Bartender: There has to be a farm in Indiana that could accommodate a hundred or so robots.

GARY 2: Oh, definitely. None of those farms are growing food anyhow. You know that they get paid NOT to grow food. And those hangbots would love it out there. They could hang out all they want and have all the sex they want.

Bartender: Oh, I meant to tell you: on my way to work today I passed by a hangbot and ladybot sixty-nining, right on the sidewalk. They were going at it hard, too.

GARY 2: Jesus. How’d you know they were robots?

BARTENDER: Sometimes you can just tell, man. And who else would be doing that on the street at 1 in the afternoon?

GARY 2: Good point.

BARTENDER: I took a few photos. Wanna see?

GARY 2: Of course.

[Bartender takes out phone and show Gary 2 the photos of the hangbot and ladybot sixty-nining.]

GARY 2: She is smokin.

[Gary 1 walks in the bar and takes a seat next to Gary 2.]

Gary 1: What’s that?

GARY 2: Photos of a hangbot sixty-nining a ladybot. Check it out. [and he passes him the phone]

GARY 1: Nice.

Bartender: I think it’s disgusting, actually. What if I were a six-year-old boy and I had to see that? What if the first time I saw people doing it they weren’t real people but robots? Now something isn’t right about that.

GARY 1: Wait a minute. Aw, man.

GARY 2: What?

GARY 1: That’s Josephine. My ladybot.

GARY 2: Are you sure? Her face is kinda blocked by that hangbot’s balls.

GARY 1: I’m sure.

Bartender: You’re going out with a ladybot?

GARY 1: We’re not going out. But I thought maybe she would want to.

GARY 2: Sorry man. Hey. Forget about her. She’s an effing ladybot. You don’t want that.

GARY 1: You’re probably right. But goddamnit. Right on the street, Josephine?

GARY 2: We were just talking about how someone should round up all the robots and put them on a farm in Indiana. That way we wouldn’t have to put up with their shit.

GARY 1: That’s not a bad idea.

GARY 2: Think about it: these effing scientists at Wright State make all these robots for no good reason and let them loose. They look like humans and they talk like humans and all they want to do is hang out and have sex. They don’t contribute anything to society. Why do we put up with it? Because the INSTITUTIONS are in control.

GARY 1: They are good at fucking, though. If someone does start rounding them ‘em up, you should try to get with a ladybot before that.

GARY 2: Maybe I will. But really, these institutions: the government, the educational system, the church, the Better Business Bureau. They do more harm then good, and they make people into spineless little robots. Even though we’re not the real robots. The robots are the real robots but we behave like robots too, you know?

[Bartender hands them fresh drinks.]

Bartender: Settle down, man. These are on the house. My apologies for the photos.

GARY 1: Don’t worry about it. You didn’t know.

GARY 2: So I don’t know why the cops aren’t harder on them. It’s like those hangouts have a free pass to be fuckabouts.

GARY 1: I bet this shit goes deeper, man. Like, the city council and Wright State are in on something together.

GARY 1: Like the government is using Dayton for an experiment. We could be a guinea pig city.

GARY 2: Yeah. Like they’re trying to replace workers with robots, but first they wanted to see how they’d do in society. Or maybe they want all the hangbots and ladybots to have sex with us and then see what the hybrids look like and then do tests on them.

GARY 1: It’s probably a little of both ideas. Soon regular dudes will be second-class citizens. Only robots and politciains and businessmen will be in power and we’ll all have to bow down to them.

GARY 2: WE ALREADY DO, MAN. The American man isn’t at home in his own country anymore.

GARY 1: Back in the ‘70s if you had arms and legs and high school degree you could get a good job in Dayton. Now look at the way things are. You can’t even walk to work without seeing two robots sucking each other off in the street.

GARY 2: All this nonsense started when they stopped letting cigarettes advertise on TV.

NEXT: Do We Need Cynar? 6

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