You Let That Cat In The Clubhouse, Didn’t You?

July 2, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: But if I don’t wear socks then my feet get all brown and gross. And if I walk through a puddle or wet grass it gets even worse.

GARY 2: So wear socks.

GARY 1: But that looks dumb.

GARY 2: How about you stick to tennis shoes then?

GARY 1: I might have to. But I just bought these boat shoes and I want to wear them.

GARY 2: Wear them without socks but make sure to clean your feet before anyone sees them.

GARY 1: That’s not a bad plan.

GARY 2: Speaking of, how did putt-putt go?

GARY 1: Woah, woah, how is that “speaking of?” We weren’t talking about girls or putt-putt. We were talking about feet.

GARY 2: It was a speaking of because you’re going to wash your feet before anyone sees them and the person who would most likely be seeing them is a lady. Like the lady you played putt-putt with.

GARY 1: That is hardly a speaking of.

GARY 2: Fine. Let’s change the subject, then. How did putt-putt go? How was the cat? [laughs]

GARY 1: It was OK. Don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Did you guys?

GARY 1: Maybe. Maybe not.

GARY 2: How did you do at putt-putt?

GARY 1: What does it matter? How does anyone ever do at putt-putt?

GARY 2: Did you beat her at least?

GARY 1: Oh yeah. I won.

GARY 2: Nice. You don’t want her to win at stuff this early on in the relationship. Did you get behind her and teach her how to putt?

GARY 1: There was a little of that, but it would upset the cat.

GARY 2: How so?

GARY 1: Well, every time she putted, I had to hold the cat. And when I would get behind her and teach her how to putt, the cat would have to sit on the green, which it didn’t like.

GARY 2: Is it on a leash?

GARY 1: She uses a few bungee cords all tied together.

GARY 2: Weird. So after putt-putt, what’d you do?

GARY 1: I said don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Wait. Did something happen? Something bad happened.

GARY 1: Look, man. It’s all good. We played some putt-putt and got to know each other.

GARY 2: No, no, no. It’s not all good. Something went down and YOU don’t want to talk about it.

GARY 1: I’ll tell you later.

GARY 2: Oh shit. You let that cat get in the clubhouse, didn’t you?

GARY 1: Not really.

GARY 2: You let that fucking cat in the clubhouse, didn’t you? You let the cat in the clubhouse and it started running around scratching people and the guy who works there had to kill it with a golf club, and then your date got all pissed. And she’s crying all like, Gary, why? Why’d you let my darling cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: That is not what happened.

GARY 2: But it was something like that. Just tell me.

GARY 1: I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone.

GARY 2: Dude. You go on one putt-putt date and you’re already making promises to this girl? You are a damn fool.

GARY 1: She said she doesn’t want anyone to know and I’m going to see her again so I figured it would stay between us. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you.

GARY 2: Whatever. Just tell me this: did you let that cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: Maybe.

GARY 2: Gary. Did you let that cat in the clubhouse?

GARY 1: The cat got in the clubhouse.

GARY 2: Fuckin A, I knew it.

GARY 1: But it wasn’t my fault.

BARTENDER: Around round, gents?

GARY 1: I would, but I gotta run.

GARY 2: Where are you off to?

GARY 1: To meet Josephine. The ladybot.

GARY 2: Nice. What are you guys doing?

GARY 1: Don’t worry about it.

GARY 2: Dude. Just tell me, who cares?

GARY 1: We’re going to Ethan Allen. Josephine needs a new coffee table.

GARY 2: Since when do fucking ladybots use coffee tables?

GARY 1: Dude. Ladybots are people, too. Kinda.

GARY 2: Incorrect. They’re bots. Not people.

GARY 1: You sound like my dad.

GARY 2: Hey man, you do what you want, but remember: ladybots are part of the journey, not the destination.

[Gary 1 leaves]

NEXT: The Fox in the Garage Part 7: This Isn’t Ponderosa, People

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