Typical Wildly Ambitious Ann, Putting People On The Moon

June 29, 2010

[Ann is shopping at Michaels. The one in the city, not the one in Queens. She approaches a Michaels employee.]

-Hi. Do you carry tiny decorative martini glasses?

-I don’t think so, sorry.

-What about tiny beer cans or bottles?

-We might. Let me check.

[Ann follows her down the aisle and they turn into another aisle.]

-If we had them, they’d be right here. But I don’t see them. Sorry. We have small wine glasses. Would that work?

-Yeah, I think so.

-They’re right over here. Are you throwing a party for Barbie or something? [she laughs a lot]

-That is very funny, but no. I’m actually making an artisanal birdhouse for a crafting competition.

-A what for a what?

-It’s a birdhouse, but it’s art. The piece is a critique of my boyfriend’s bacchanalian tendencies. On one side he’ll be partying with beautiful people on the moon, and on the other side I’ll be breast feeding a baby in front of the TV. Or maybe there’s no TV and it’s just me and the baby in a white space. The hole in which a bird sticks its head will be where his liver is, so his liver will be getting pecked at. God I hope I can make this happen. Typical wildly ambitious Ann, putting people on the moon.

-DAMN.

-One time I tried to make a birdhouse depicting the scene in Blow Up when David Hemmings’ character finds the dead body in the park, and I must have spent like three hundred dollars on it but I just couldn’t make it happen. It looked like two buffalo grazing in a meadow.

-So here are the wine glasses. You need anything else?

-What do you sell that most resembles cocaine?

-You could use powdered sugar for that.

-You’re absolutely right.

-Sorry again for not having the tiny beer bottles. We usually do, but we must have just ran out.

-Sorry is a word for the unmindful. I try to avoid saying it.

-Alright.

-Have a nice day, Fortuna. [she says after inspecting Fortuna's name tag. she walks towards check-out]

NEXT: Ann’s Artist’s Statement

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