She’s Not Going To Waste Her Energy Arguing About This

June 24, 2010

So here’s some shit: Sarah’s still super-upset about me not watching Wipeout with her. When it comes on I go outside and clean the bobber. Or I bring a beer out there and pretend to clean it and actually listen to the radio. I don’t like the show, period. She can’t me watch something I don’t want to watch. Simple as that. There’s a Bob Dylan quote I like and I think it applies here: What’s money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. I do what I want to do and watching Wipeout is number 20,000 on the list of things I want to do, right behind make out with Dr. Philbin. Sarah says she doesn’t like watching it alone because she likes to laugh at the people and it’s no fun to laugh when no one else is around. So a few nights ago after dinner she says:

-How about this: If you watch Wipeout with me, I’ll give you some good head when it’s over.

That sounded alright so I said yes. It’s not that she wouldn’t be doing that for no reason anyway, but to get it on a weekly schedule would be alright with me. Funny, ‘cause I’ve thought about proposing a b.j. regimen of some sort, maybe like every other Tuesday or something, but I figured she wouldn’t be into it so I kept my mouth shut.

So. Tonight was the first night of our b.j.-for-Wipeout deal. It didn’t go well. And I blame her. She should’ve have mentioned two stipulations: 1) She’d be talking throughout the entire show, and 2) When I try to say something about how dumb the show is or how funny the fat contestants look when they wipeout, and they wipeout often, she’d threaten to cancel the b.j.

-What, I can’t talk at all?

-You can talk, but I don’t want to hear all this negativity from you. Negative, negative, negative, all day from you. This sucks, that sucks, those people are fat. You’re not supposed to laugh when they get hurt.

-YES YOU ARE supposed to laugh when they get hurt. That’s the point. It’s like cheering when cars crash in NASCAR. Wipeout is NASCAR but with people.

She tells me to cool it and that I’m only allowed to have one more beer. Or, I can drink all I want but I wouldn’t get the b.j. Treating this b.j. like it’s some holy grail is building it up way too much ‘cause hers are just OK anyway.

-Can’t you just enjoy a TV show with me for once?

-Maybe I can’t.

-Well. You should learn.

The worst part was during the commercials. There were three ITT Tech ads and each time one came on she said, Oh look, honey, it’s just two grand a semester. We could save up for that. Or: I could see you as an HVAC repairman. Shit like that.

-My dad says you need to get your shit together.

-My shit is together.

-How much money do you have?

-Why do I have to tell you?

-He says you don’t know what you’re doing with that bike and that it’s never gonna get finished unless he takes it to his guy.

-Oh did he? Well I’ll tell you what. Your dad just bought the bike ‘cause it gave him an excuse to buy a leather jacket and fancy boots, and he probably has leather pants too.

-I don’t think he has leather pants.

-Oh yeah he does. It was sitting in his garage for ten years and now he wants to take it to his guy? Bullshit. Tell him not to come over anymore.

-He’s coming over tomorrow.

-Goddammit. Why?

-He says you need help.

-I don’t. He just doesn’t have anything to do all day because he doesn’t have any friends because dentists are assholes.

-I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.

-What’s THIS?

-All drunk and shit.

-I’ve had four beers. You want me to get drunk? I’ll get drunk.

-I’m going upstairs.

-And I’m coming with you.

-Not tonight.


-The hmm-hmm, the you-know-what, it’s canceled. Next week maybe.

-That is fucked up Sarah. I sat through fucking Wipeout.

-Your bullshit attitude ruined it for you. I can’t do that to a man who calls my dad an asshole.

-I said dentists are assholes.

-I’m not going to waste my energy arguing about this. [and she goes upstairs]

[Luke on driveway with beer in one hand and cell phone in the other.]

-Hey. How you been? Same old. Oh yeah? Yeah? Shit, girl. Do you need help? Yes I’m serious. I could help. I’ve been fixing this bike up so I’m getting better at tools and what not. Yes I’m serious, seriously serious. I’ve never put up dry wall before but I could read about it online. You know me, I get shit done. You just buy the drywall and then nail it in there, right? Yeah, fuck it. I can put up drywall. What else? Plumbing? I’m your man. Light sockets? I can do those in my sleep. How about carpeting? My middle name is Carpeting. Luke Carpeting Apples. You never knew that about me? What’d you think it was? Nah, I just tell people it’s Anthony. It’s actually Carpeting. Lots of carpenters in my family so some of the Apples kids got Carpeting as a middle name. You’re right, some carpenters don’t put in carpeting but SOME do. The Apples family carpenters do carpeting AND carpentry. What else you need done? Oh. Oh wow. Shit, girl. That’s a tough one. I’ve never dealt with a fox before but I could come over tomorrow and give it my best shot.

NEXT: The Bill Murray Bourbon



Comments are closed.