Do We Need Cynar? 4

June 15, 2010

What’s wrong with Slinky? Is Slinky no good because Slinkies are objects and the last thing she wants is to be objectified? Or is it because a slinky is a toy and she doesn’t want to be something I play with and boys love their toys until they get sick of them and forget about them and then they move on to a better toy? Or: A slinky is a hollow and kinda like a tube and she’s thinking that I’m calling her Slinky because her vagina is like a slinky and she doesn’t me to think of her as something with a vagina, or does she?

But if I stop calling her Slinky then aren’t I a pushover? Shouldn’t we pick a name for our women and stick with it no matter how much they hate it? Won’t the back-and-forth keep things fun? Won’t it keep us young? Won’t we forever be kids kicking each other under the desk in elementary school? Does she want Us to be young and cute or serious and—? French? Don’t the French only have serious affairs? Wasn’t that waitress seriously eyeing me outside the Pompidou? And why didn’t I say anything? Why couldn’t I talk to women unless I was half-drunk until I was 27? Why did it take me 27 years to grow a pair? Why was Robbie blessed with a pair? How do Puerto Ricans grow a pair so early? Is it all the dancing? Should I have re-watched that YouTube video of Latin children grinding at a birthday party?

Goddamnit, why does Robbie need to chat right now?

-Hey boss, the cheese guy called.


-He says you’ll need to need pay cash upon delivery from now on.

-OK. OK. No problem.

-He’s coming by at four today and he seemed pissed.

-When he comes, tell him to come back Sunday.

-You don’t have the money?

-No. I have it. I have it. But tell him to come Sunday and see what he says.

-Dude. Tell me right now if I should be looking for a new job.

-You should start looking for a new job. But don’t quit yet, and don’t tell M.

Who has money? Who’s rolling in it that I haven’t pissed off? The Gersons? Are the Gersons still angry about three years ago? It was a Bat Mitzvah, so wasn’t everyone drunk? Or was I the only drunk person at Rachel Gerson’s Bat Mitzvah? When Rachel talks about her Bat Mitzvah years from now will she say, And there was this drunk guy who danced with my great aunt and he spilled Prosecco all over her? Prosecco doesn’t stain so wasn’t it a good thing that I spilled Prosecco on her because it gave Rachel Gerson a story to tell later? Don’t the Gersons appreciate good food? Don’t they know I’m nothing without my cheese boards? Who doesn’t want to invest in farm-to-table cuisine? They haven’t come in for dinner in a while but aren’t they in Oregon half the year now? Of course: last New Year’s he talked about their house on the water in the chin of Oregon, or is it the lip? And didn’t he say their house is the second-most-westerly building in the lower 48 states? And they’d planted Douglas Hawthorns and Western Bleeding Hearts and Karen told us her dad had said “Bleeding Hearts? How appropriate. My daughter is married to a liberal pussy” which was the end of a story that took Karen forever to tell and somehow cracked up the room or was it a good story and am I just a grump who only wants people to laugh at things I say?

Will I ever live in the Pacific Northwest?

-Hi, is this Karen?

-Richard, long time, no talk. How is everything, how’s HJ?

Why does she call Hey Jealously HJ? Doesn’t she know that HJ = hand job?

-Is Mike home?

-What, you don’t want to chat?

-No, no, how is everything, how’s Rachel?

-She’s great, I’m just messing with you, here’s Mike.



-Hey buddy.

-How’s the chin of Oregon?

-Amazing. So amazing. And you? How’s Brooklyn?

-Same old. It is the chin, right? Not the lip or the nose?

-It’s the chin, and it’s heaven man. So get this: this morning I’m out pissing in the woods and a fucking salamander crawls right over my foot.


-Yeah, I know. I could feel its slime between my toes. Well, maybe not slime, it’s not a slug, but I could feel its wetness on my toes. And at first I was like, this fucker’s gonna get it and I was gonna kill it.


-But I didn’t. I didn’t kill it. And I’m not sure why.

-It’s the chin.

-The chin?

-Living on the chin has made you softer. More empathic.

-Maybe you’re right.

-It’s like you used to be a hard urbanite and now you’re an earthy man. Now you’re a calm, generous man.

-You might be onto something.

-Do you feel different?

-Not really. The pot’s different, it’s better, but that’s about it. Oh, I’ve been drinking chamomile tea.

-Well you sound different, more relaxed.

-That’s good to hear.


-So what’s up?

-OK so this is gonna sound, and don’t think I was just calling just because. How would like you invest in the restaurant?

Next: Cool Dads



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