Don’t Let That Cat In The Clubhouse

May 26, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men. They are roiled up about something.

GARY 1: Marvin Lewis is a piece. Of. Shit.

GARY 2: Big time.

GARY 1: This is what he’s thinking. This is what he’s thinking when he wakes up in the morning: What can I do to piss off the entire tri-state area?

GARY 2: And that’s what he does.

GARY 1: And that’s exactly what he does. Every time he has a chance.

Bartender: Another round, gents?

GARY 1: A quick one, I’ve got to meet that girl.

GARY 2: The ladybot? Josephine?

GARY 1: Oh, I didn’t tell you. No, the girl from Burger King called, Linda, the one I gave the roses.

GARY 2: Nice. It worked.

GARY 1: She said she wants to play putt-putt. So we’re playing putt-putt tonight.

GARY 2: Nice. Think you’re gonna?

GARY 1: We’ll see. It could be weird because she said her cat has to come. She told me to call the putt-putt place and ask if that’s cool, so I called this morning and I ask the guy if they allow cats. The dude cracks up, and he’s like, Yeah, she can bring the cat. But it can’t come in the clubhouse.

GARY 2: [laughing] It can’t come in the clubhouse.

GARY 1: So I call her back and say she can bring the cat. She got real excited about it. She tells me she’s not good at golf but lately she’s been trying to try new things. She wants me to teach her how to putt.

GARY 2: Does she know you suck at putt-putt too?

GARY 1: I said I was OK at putt-putt. See, I want to do one of those things where you get behind a girl and teach her how to do something, like how to shoot pool or whatever, so it’s like, Hey honey, I’m all up on you but it’s not creepy because you’re learning something.

[The g and t's arrive.]

GARY 2: That’s the way to do it. She says she’s trying to try new things, eh? That sounds promising, if you know what I mean.

GARY 1: New things are good things.

GARY 2: I’d like to get a new thing going with a ladybot but every one I meet won’t give me the time of day.

GARY 1: Sucks, man.

GARY 2: Yeah. Like last week for example, I’m pulling out of a parking spot at Kroger’s and I run into a ladybot. And I’m like, Well, fuck. I wasn’t going that fast or anything so she’s not all fucked up, thank God. But she’s on the ground. I get out of the car and I’m apologizing like crazy and I ask if she needs water or a ride somewhere and she says no, don’t sweat it. She wasn’t pissed or anything, which was cool. So I figure, Hey, I got this ladybot here talking to me and she seems super-cool, I might as well ask her if she’d like to come back to my house for a beer.

GARY 1: Nice. What she’d say?

GARY 2: She says maybe. So I ask her what I can do to convince you? and she goes, Here’s my problem: If I go back to your place for a beer, I’m gonna want to have sex with you.

GARY 1: Very nice.

GARY 2: So I say, That’s fine with me, honey, get in the car. But she says, Are you an idiot? And I say sometimes. And she says, Well, I don’t want to have sex with someone who’s an idiot because if I get pregnant, our kid will be an idiot. Then she she wants me to prove to her that I’m not an idiot.

GARY 1: Wait, wait. Ladybots cannot get pregnant. Did you tell her that?

GARY 2: I did. I say ladybots can’t get pregnant, and this is the best part: she says that she’s not a typical ladybot. She’s a hybridbot: 25% human, 75% bot. The 25% parts are the parts she needs to get pregnant, all the tubes and pouches that girls have. She says humans get hybdridbots pregnant all the time but the babybots are usually killed. We never hear about it because the Air Force Base and Wright State are covering it up.

GARY 1: Bullshit.

GARY 2: Oh, I know. But I wanna get laid so I say, What can I do to prove to you that I’m not an idiot? She says, Name all the US presidents and their vice presidents in order, and I say that’s more or less impossible, and she says, No it’s not, and she names the first twenty or so real quick. She had  all those saved on her harddrive, it wasn’t fair. And I told her that.

GARY 1: Then what’d she say?

GARY 2: She said she wasn’t going to argue with someone who drinks before he goes grocery shopping.

GARY 1: What a bitch.

GARY 2: At this point I’m thinking, this isn’t happening, so I get in the car. But then she walks around to the window and asks me to roll it down and she gives me her number and says she wants me to call her sometime and we can get together. But only if I memorize the presidents first.

GARY 1: Wow. You should hit the books, man.

GARY 2: I’m gonna. I’m gonna get online about it.

GARY 1: Do it. [finishes drink and stands up to leave] So hey, I have to go to putt-putt.

GARY 2: Good luck with Burger King.

GARY 1: Thanks.

GARY 2: Oh, Gary. Hey Gary.

GARY 1: What?

GARY 2: [laughing] Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse.

GARY 1: I’ll try not to. [walks toward door]

GARY 2: Hey. Gary.

GARY 1: What?

GARY 2: Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse, Gary. Don’t let that cat in the clubhouse.

NEXT: The Fox in the Garage Part 5: The Date

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