We Kissed The Track

May 20, 2010

-Fun night?

-The funnest night. Me and Z went to the Hello Surf show and afterwards we walked by the brewery and there were these girls outside and they said, Hey guys, do you meat? and Z and I looked at each other and we were like, Uh, Yeah we do so we went inside and they were having this beer and meat tasting thing and we ate at least five pounds of barbecue and drank all this eight-percent beer, the good stuff, not what you’ve had before. This was serious beer, honey, give me a kiss.

-Fine.

[A kiss.]

-So we hang at the brewery for three hours and people are dancing and shit and I danced with this girl from Maine who just moved here and she’s gonna be a jazz dancer and she’s so good at dancing so I know she’s gonna do OK, and Z was working on this group of Parsons girls, killing them with his T-shirt talk. And he had his backpack full of shirts and one of the girls wanted a Zoloft shirt and another wanted a seahorse shirt and he gave the hot one a Stephen shirt, you know Stephen, the dinosaur from Clifford.

-The what?

-The Martin Short movie, Grodin, doesn’t matter, so we hang at the brewery until 2 or so and Z decides to call Georgia. Yeah, Georgia Georgia, and at first I was like, This is a terrible idea, but it ended up being cool because she was drunk too and they really hit it off. Then he hands the phone to me and I say, Why hello, pretty girl, I watched you shake it tonight, but I didn’t tell her it was me so she thought a friend of this random guy was also hitting on her but it was actually her ex.

-That’s kinda fucked up.

-You’re fucked up, give me a kiss, why is Little Ann still awake?

-He was sleeping until you came home. Good God, why are your hands so dirty?

-Oh! Oh! So after the brewery party we walk to the Bedford stop and the sign says the train’s gonna come in ten minutes so we’re like, Fuck it, let’s cab it, but then Z says, Ten minutes is just enough time for a track hang.

-Oh no.

-So we climb down to the tracks. It was so easy, there’s a mofo ladder right there and, in FACT, it’s retarded that more people don’t do this ‘cause it’s easy and awesome. So we’re hanging on the tracks and Z’s dancing like a lunatic and these girls on the platform are into it, taking pictures and shit, and Z gets all on fours and kisses the track.

-He kissed the rail?

-Track, rail, whatever, he kissed the track, he Frenched it. And so did I. And one of the girls taking pictures climbs down and mounts the track. So Z’s kissing it, I’m kissing it, this girl’s riding it, she’s holding Z’s hand, it’s amazing. All the city’s energy went into our mouths and it’s still with me, the exuberance of the city is in my mouth. Look at my teeth, it’s still there, you can see it. You want some Brooklyn exuberance in your mouth? Get over here.

-You’re disgusting.

-I see what’s going on here. You’re jealous that I was out kissing track and not at home kissing you.

-You’re absolutely right. I’m jealous of you and your subway-track orgy friends.

-[singing] Jea-jea-jealous WO-man! She’s a jea-jea-jealous girl!

-Is that even a song?

-Now it is.

-You are such a—

-What? An exuberant fellow? Why thank you. Why thank you, m’lady.

-Listen. I’m pregnant.

-[crazy laughter] This is so perfect!

-No it’s not. Stop laughing.

-It’s perfect that I come home all DRUNK and tell you this awesome story about kissing track and me being awesome and you’re all serious, I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant, honey. It’s a perfect scene. Good, I’m happy for us, bring on the children, we’re starting a family band. Little Ann, wake up! You’re learning bass tonight. I’m the frontman and this new cat’s the drummer. [rubs her belly]

-Do you want more kids?

-Fuck it, sure.

-FUCK IT, SURE is your answer?

-[singing] Jea-jea-jealous WO-man. She’s a pre-pregnant WO-man. Fu-fu-fu fuck it, sure, man.

-I’m not actually pregnant, you dick.

-Phew. Close call. Time for the post-pregnancy-scare sex, come here. [he's grabby]

-Jesus, stop. See, this ridiculous display is proof that you’re not an adult. What if I were pregnant, huh, and I needed to go to the doctor and I call you and you’re MIA and I have to call a friend and they say, Where’s your man? and I have to say, Who knows, he could be out kissing track with Z. Do you know Z, the guy who gives girls novelty T-shirts and then fucks them and doesn’t call them?

-Z calls them. He takes girls out, his parents are loaded.

-That’s not the point. The point is, I don’t know, but Jesus, you’re such a momma’s boy but you treat women like shit! Do you realize that? This whole neighborhood: fucking momma’s boys who treat women like shit. It’s maddening.

-No I don’t treat them like shit.

-Yes you do.

-I love all the girls.

-Now why would you say THAT right now?

-OK. Let’s calm down. We’ve been through a lot. A minute ago we thought we were pregnant. Breathe, take my hand. Walk with me to the station and we’ll kiss some track together and it’ll all be cool. Take my hand.

-Don’t touch me, you’re covered in grime.

-Take my hand. Let’s kiss some track.

-Goodnight. I’m sorry for yelling at you.

-[singing] Sorry is a word for the unmindful.

-So help me God.

[Ann goes to bedroom]

-Yo, Little Ann. Wake up. Come kiss some track with your pops.

Next: Don’t Let That Cat In The Clubhouse

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