Gary 1 Got With a Ladybot

April 24, 2010

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: So get this: I’m taking the trash out yesterday and a robot, a ladybot, asks me if I need help.

GARY 2: Oh yeah?

GARY 1: Yeah. And I had a lot of trash so I said sure. And I shit you not, we hit it off.

GARY 2: How did you hit it off with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Well, as she picks up a bag she shoots me this look, a sexy look, and she starts playing with her hair. And she asks me my name and she says she loves the name Gary.

GARY 2: Nice.

GARY 1: I know. And she’s a looker, too. So we’re carrying the trash out to the street and we’re chatting about God knows what, the draft I think, and she says, “It’s so hot out today. Could I come inside and have a drink?”

GARY 2: Very nice.

GARY 1: So we go inside and sit on the couch with some beers and she starts telling me how handsome and strong I am.

GARY 2: That’s funny.

GARY 1: Yeah, right? And then she asks me how much I can bench. I said 150 on a good day and she bought it. Next thing I know, we’re doing it and the OTB channel was on TV and she’s calling me horsey  and shit.

GARY 2: So you did it with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Yes.

GARY 2: Can’t you get arrested for that?

GARY 1: Probably. You can’t tell anyone. But listen, it gets better. Since she’s a robot she never tuckers out, you know. After a half hour I was pooped and went to have a cigarette on the porch, and I come back to find her in the kitchen, lying on the island getting off with my hand mixer.

GARY 2: Wow. What’d you say?

GARY 1: What can you say? I couldn’t tell her stop, even though it was a bit rude: she’s a stranger, after all, on my island, using my hand mixer.

GARY 2: The robots don’t have any social grace. So you stood there and watched her?

GARY 1: For a minute. Then I sat on the couch and watched Elf.

GARY 2: Amazing. So I have to ask: what’s it like? In there?

GARY 1: I knew that was coming. Dude, I would tell you if it was a one-time thing. But I’m gonna see this through. We talked a lot and she’s great.

GARY 2: Wait. You’re going to date the ladybot?

GARY 1: I think so.

GARY 2: Dude.

GARY 1: Do you have a problem with it?

GARY 2: No. If it feels right, do it, but don’t come crying to me when runs off with a hangbot who can show her a better time than you can. Those hangbots get all the girls.

GARY 1: Didn’t Angie hang out with a hangbot while you guys were on a break?

GARY 2: I was suspicious but she denies it. Robots, man. I say trash ‘em all.

GARY 1: I think you’re missing the big picture here. She doesn’t have friends I have to hang with. Robots don’t like stuff so she’s not gonna ask me to buy her stuff. She doesn’t have a family I’ll have to tuck in my shirt for. And she won’t cry about me being drunk all the time.

GARY 2: Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should find my own ladybot while Angie’s out of town.

GARY 1: Do it. Just stay away from Josephine.

GARY 2: Isn’t that your mom’s name?

GARY 1: It is. It’s a sign.

Next: The Third Laundromat Hang

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