Our family friend Carl G. used to manage the Cox printing press in Springboro. The facility prints the Dayton Daily News and the Centerville-Bellbrook Times and a thousand copies of the New York Times for local stores and households. On July 5, 2003, the day of his retirement, Carl pulled a stunt he’d been dreaming about for years: he swapped the Metro sections of the Centerville-Bellbrook Times with those of the  New York Times. Centervilleians and Bellbrookers read about a double murder in Astoria and a new bubble tea joint in Inwood and anyone in southwest Ohio who read the New York Times‘ City section learned about the Altar High School jazz ensemble’s disastrous concert in Stubbs Park, among other things. The Associated Press produced a feature on the prank in which Carl was quoted as saying, “I did it just to do it”; it ran in seven American cities’ newspapers, including the New York Times.

C.O.D.Y. The Robot Who Hangs Out enters the laundromat. He approaches the counter.

CODY: Hey. Sarah, right?

SARAH: That’s me.

CODY: You guys got internet here?

SARAH: No. Didn’t you ask me that other day?

CODY: Did I?

SARAH: Yes. You brought in your clean laundry and we dealt with that for a while. Then you asked if we had internet and I said no.

CODY: You have a great memory.

SARAH: Thanks.

CODY: So, when do you get off work?

SARAH: In five hours.

CODY: Wanna go to Darryl’s dad’s house for darts tonight?

SARAH: I’ll think about it.

CODY: Nice. Is it cool if I hang here while you think about it?

SARAH: Sure, CODY. You can hang here.

CODY: Nice.

SARAH: But I’m probably not going to go to Darryl’s dad’s house.

CODY: That’s OK. How ’bout I put on some tunes.

[“Bird on a Wire” by Leonard Cohen blasts from CODY.]

CODY: I play this song when I’m waiting for someone to decide something.

SARAH: I love Leonard Cohen.

CODY: So do I. I also love you.

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Summer, 1974. Attendance has been low at Municipal Stadium so for the June 4 game against the Rangers the men and women in charge of promotions for the Indians decide to lower the price of a beer to a nickel. 25,134 people show up and many of them become drunk. They begin rioting. Hundreds of beer bottles are thrown onto the field and the players stop playing and flee to safety. And although the Indians are likely going to lose the game anyway, they are forced to forfeit. Our family friend Ricky A. was there and he swears he didn’t throw any bottles but we’re pretty sure he threw some bottles. While Nickel Beer Night was a success from a drinker’s point of view, the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot ruined the prospect of cheap-beer promotions for all of Major League Baseball.

[Made by Kieran McShane for a short film.]

GARY 1 and GARY 2 are at the bar drinking gin and tonics. Their unfortunate clothes indicate that they are not busy or vital men.

GARY 1: So get this: I’m taking the trash out yesterday and a robot, a ladybot, asks me if I need help.

GARY 2: Oh yeah?

GARY 1: Yeah. And I had a lot of trash so I said sure. And I shit you not, we hit it off.

GARY 2: How did you hit it off with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Well, as she picks up a bag she shoots me this look, a sexy look, and she starts playing with her hair. And she asks me my name and she says she loves the name Gary.

GARY 2: Nice.

GARY 1: I know. And she’s a looker, too. So we’re carrying the trash out to the street and we’re chatting about God knows what, the draft I think, and she says, “It’s so hot out today. Could I come inside and have a drink?”

GARY 2: Very nice.

GARY 1: So we go inside and sit on the couch with some beers and she starts telling me how handsome and strong I am.

GARY 2: That’s funny.

GARY 1: Yeah, right? And then she asks me how much I can bench. I said 150 on a good day and she bought it. Next thing I know, we’re doing it and the OTB channel was on TV and she’s calling me horsey  and shit.

GARY 2: So you did it with a ladybot?

GARY 1: Yes.

GARY 2: Can’t you get arrested for that?

GARY 1: Probably. You can’t tell anyone. But listen, it gets better. Since she’s a robot she never tuckers out, you know. After a half hour I was pooped and went to have a cigarette on the porch, and I come back to find her in the kitchen, lying on the island getting off with my hand mixer.

GARY 2: Wow. What’d you say?

GARY 1: What can you say? I couldn’t tell her stop, even though it was a bit rude: she’s a stranger, after all, on my island, using my hand mixer.

GARY 2: The robots don’t have any social grace. So you stood there and watched her?

GARY 1: For a minute. Then I sat on the couch and watched Elf.

GARY 2: Amazing. So I have to ask: what’s it like? In there?

GARY 1: I knew that was coming. Dude, I would tell you if it was a one-time thing. But I’m gonna see this through. We talked a lot and she’s great.

GARY 2: Wait. You’re going to date the ladybot?

GARY 1: I think so.

GARY 2: Dude.

GARY 1: Do you have a problem with it?

GARY 2: No. If it feels right, do it, but don’t come crying to me when runs off with a hangbot who can show her a better time than you can. Those hangbots get all the girls.

GARY 1: Didn’t Angie hang out with a hangbot while you guys were on a break?

GARY 2: I was suspicious but she denies it. Robots, man. I say trash ‘em all.

GARY 1: I think you’re missing the big picture here. She doesn’t have friends I have to hang with. Robots don’t like stuff so she’s not gonna ask me to buy her stuff. She doesn’t have a family I’ll have to tuck in my shirt for. And she won’t cry about me being drunk all the time.

GARY 2: Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should find my own ladybot while Angie’s out of town.

GARY 1: Do it. Just stay away from Josephine.

GARY 2: Isn’t that your mom’s name?

GARY 1: It is. It’s a sign.

Next: The Third Laundromat Hang

-Now add the Cynar. Why is your hand shaking?
-It’s not shaking.
-Yes, it is. And now the gin.

Is M. actually nervous or does she have the shakes? Should I tell her to drink less or let her figure it out? Day drinking: a problem in the restaurant industry or part of the fun? Why are M.’s thumbs so thin? Do a woman’s hands come from her father’s side or her mother’s side? Where is Science on that one? What’s her father like? Did he never tell her what to do and is that why she doesn’t listen to anyone and wears idiotic clothes? Why won’t she help me out and teach Robbie how to make a Harrumph? Does she actually not want to or is she testing me? Is she thinking, Does he like women who order him around?

-Now add the Cynar.
-Got it.
-And now the gin.
-That’s easy.
-M. had some trouble.
-Women.
-What does that mean?
-I don’t know. I actually think M’s great.
-So do I.
-I can see that.

He can see that? Did he see us come out of the bathroom together last week? Why was he at work so early? Is Robbie using the restaurant for unsavory purposes? Dealing? Gambling? Has Robbie jacked off on the clock? Am I paying this boy to jack off in the bathroom? Where will he work once we go under? He says he wants to get into PR but he’s too fat, right? Could he be a teacher? Could he hush a room of rowdy kids? Could he treat the dim kids as well as the smart kids? Would he favor the poor athletic ones because he grew up poor and athletic or would he realize all these kids deserve a fighting chance? Would he sleep with a teacher? And the next day would he nod sweetly as he passed her in the hall or would he treat her as if nothing happened? Does Robbie get any or is he all talk?

-So I got with this girl Saturday.
-Nice.
-Not really. She wanted me to call her a shithead. During.
-Really?
-Yeah, and when I said I didn’t want to, she started calling me a shithead. And she said I fuck like a shithead.

Would the wife like to be called shithead? How about a stick in the mud? Why do I call her pony? And why does she let me? Should a man call his wife a pony in mixed company or is that strictly for the bedroom? Do I need a name for M.? Is slinky apt? Doesn’t she resemble a slinky when she hangs over the bed and looks for her clothes, like a slinky hanging over a step?

Next: Gary 2 Got With a Ladybot

Visit Benham’s Grove in Canton and learn about Earl Benham’s Monkey House. On field trips local school children are told that in 1960 Earl bought the monkeys to attract people to his ice cream shop up the street but the Stark County health commissioner wouldn’t let Earl keep the monkeys in the store overnight so he built a monkey house on an adjacent plot of land which was later incorporated into the park. If an inquisitive child asks what happened to the monkeys when the store closed in 1980, he or she won’t learn that once Earl discovered the high cost of shipping three grown monkeys back to the wholesaler—the zoo wasn’t interested—he chloroformed each one and injected them with pentobarbital and buried them behind the Marriott. Earl then moved to South Carolina where he bought a condo and golfed and golfed and golfed, and later died of liver failure. In 2006 the parks department bought the Monkey House from his daughters for $90,000 with plans to use it as a snack bar or a lost-and-found but the funding fell through and it’s currently on the market for 60. Rumor has it, they’ll take 45.